As Elias grows, I always say that he gets more fun to parent because he's learning how to express himself and communicate better, his level of understanding is always increasing, and his personality blossoms as he begins to discover his likes and dislikes. However, something I've really been grappling with this week is that as his personality strengths blossom, we also begin to see his weaknesses and flaws. Now, before any doting grandparents protest, I have a wonderful, brilliant, beautiful child who I'm very proud of. BUT he is still a human, and he DOES have flaws. Some of them are inborn in his personality, and others were made by the environment he has grown up in. Most are a combination of both.
What has had me really worrying about them right now, though, is next week he starts "school," a Mother's Day Out program at a local church that he'll go to for 3 hours two days a week. Being an only child who has always been at home with Mommy, he doesn't have much exposure to other kids, or even adults for that matter, and he desperately needs the social instruction that a school environment will give him. However, I'm concerned about how he'll do, and I'm just afraid it's going to be a difficult adjustment for his teachers and classmates to teach him the appropriate ways to behave in the classroom setting. Elias isn't a difficult or disruptive child, but he just wants to do his own thing - play by himself his own way. So we'll just have to see how long it takes for him to get that he's supposed to listen to the teachers, do what they say, and treat his classmates with respect. I can tell him all day long that he needs to do those things, but it won't mean anything to him until he's put in the situation to actually put those principles into practice.
So worrying about how he's going to do in the classroom has brought to my attention a lot of his selfish and disobedient tendencies that Justin and I have learned how to cope with at home, but his teachers may not be ready for. I've been fretting about what we could've or should've done differently to raise him better or teach him better, to work harder to get him used to playing with other kids, to teach him about respecting other people. But the fact remains that he is who he is now, and nothing I do in the next week is going to change how his first day at school goes. So fretting is clearly not the answer here. But I believe there is also a deeper issue here, and that's what I'm really trying to grapple with now.
The truth is that my son is a human soul, born sinful and fallen just like the rest of mankind. Without the redeeming power of Christ and the regenerating power of the Holy Spirit, he WILL be selfish, disobedient, and sinful. Justin & I can (and will) teach him about the proper way to behave as a functional member of society, but even more important than manipulating his behavior is discipling his heart, teaching him about sin and his need for a Savior, and introducing him to the marvelous hope of God's grace. Before he was born, we read the book Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp (read my first review here), and I'm working on reading it again - although it was instructive the first time I read it, I can actually put it into practice now.
I recognize that only God can save, can actually change Elias' sinful nature and instead give him the mind of Christ, can actually cause Elias to WANT to be good, kind, respectful, and generous. On the other hand, it is Justin's and my responsibility as his parents to teach him what is right, to train him in the way he should go, to teach him the truth of the Gospel, and to model for him the Christian life.
Honestly, I'm pretty overwhelmed at the thought. I often still struggle with my own selfishness, so how on earth am I going to teach Elias that he shouldn't be selfish? Truly, I don't have much of an answer to that besides lots of prayer and relying on God's grace. The gravity of the responsibility of being a mother has just become heavily real to me this week, and I'm just sharing about it here. Motherhood is becoming much less about teaching him basic survival and instead teaching him eternal truths. That's a big deal, and I just want to do it well.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Book Review: One Thousand Gifts
Ann Voskamp is a blogger, Canadian farmer's wife, and mother of 6, and one of the most anointed Christan writers I've ever read. This is her first book, but it is one of the most honest, bold, and life-changing explorations in the the journey of a Christian life that I have ever read.
One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp, 2010
It would be absolutely impossible to summarize this book well, or even list favorite quotes, because the entire thing was riveting, touching, convicting, and life-changing. Just read it, ok?
If I HAVE to give you more than that, though, I'll just say that the basic premise of the book is an exploration of the word eucharisteo, which is the Greek word for "gave thanks" used in Matthew 26:26 (and other places) - "Jesus took bread, gave thanks, and broke it..." What does that word mean, and what does it mean for our lives today? Our hard, messy, confusing, and unexplainable lives today. The title of the book comes from a challenge a friend gave to the author to write down a thousand ways God showed His love to her, and in recording those blessings, gifts large and small, she learned that this very act may be the secret to contentment, joy, peace in a life that we don't always understand. Gratitude. For all things. Because ALL things God gives are an extension of His grace.
Wow, this is such a deep thing, and difficult to shift to that way of thinking. It took me a few months to finish this book because I'd get distracted by circumstances. I didn't FEEL like viewing all things as a gift. But I believe there's grace even in that - this is a journey, not a one-time choice. It's about every day, making a choice to give thanks, accept God's gifts as expressions of His unending love. So I'm keeping my own gratitude journal... I don't write in it every day, but I am definitely already seeing the difference the choice to give thanks can make in my attitude, my intimacy with God, the way I feel about life.
So I really encourage you to read it. It will change you if you let it. Here's the author's video introduction to the book:
One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp, 2010
If I HAVE to give you more than that, though, I'll just say that the basic premise of the book is an exploration of the word eucharisteo, which is the Greek word for "gave thanks" used in Matthew 26:26 (and other places) - "Jesus took bread, gave thanks, and broke it..." What does that word mean, and what does it mean for our lives today? Our hard, messy, confusing, and unexplainable lives today. The title of the book comes from a challenge a friend gave to the author to write down a thousand ways God showed His love to her, and in recording those blessings, gifts large and small, she learned that this very act may be the secret to contentment, joy, peace in a life that we don't always understand. Gratitude. For all things. Because ALL things God gives are an extension of His grace.
Wow, this is such a deep thing, and difficult to shift to that way of thinking. It took me a few months to finish this book because I'd get distracted by circumstances. I didn't FEEL like viewing all things as a gift. But I believe there's grace even in that - this is a journey, not a one-time choice. It's about every day, making a choice to give thanks, accept God's gifts as expressions of His unending love. So I'm keeping my own gratitude journal... I don't write in it every day, but I am definitely already seeing the difference the choice to give thanks can make in my attitude, my intimacy with God, the way I feel about life.
So I really encourage you to read it. It will change you if you let it. Here's the author's video introduction to the book:
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
The Narrow Way of Suffering
The past couple weeks, it seems like I'm seeing tragedy every way I turn - unexpected illness and death, natural disasters, economic/financial hardship, loss, abuse... The list goes on and on, and the weight of sorrow in this world seems unbearable. I feel blessed that our family has been spared, and yet at the same time I feel helpless - what can I do? Did God spare and bless me so I can help others? How?? I don't know the answer to that question, but at the heart of my deep desire to DO SOMETHING lies an even greater question: Why did God allow this and why doesn't HE do something???
Last year I did a Bible study called "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" by Angela Thomas, which really changed my perspective on suffering. I have always known and believed the truth in Scripture that God can and will bring good out of any circumstance for those who love Him (Romans 8:28). And yet when tragedy strikes me personally, I wonder why. Did I do something to deserve it? Am I being punished? Did I fail in some way or neglect something I should've done? Or did God bring this as a test? Is this designed to refine some flaw out of me? Am I supposed to be learning something here? Questions swirl, and sometimes an answer just can't be found. Sometimes an answer comes many years down the road, but I believe we won't know fully until we see God face to face.
So what do we do with the WHY? What Thomas suggests in the study is just that we are fallen people who live in a fallen world, and hard things just happen. That's the way of the world we live in. Sometimes bad things are punishments. Sometimes they are tests. And sometimes they just happen. And God is present in each one, bringing good of them all. When my life is hard, I don't have to feel ashamed or outraged. This is just what it means to be human. People get hurt. People die. Circumstances change in the blink of an eye. All of life is just a vapor that passes and is gone (James 4:14). Rain falls on both the righteous and the unrighteous (Matt. 5:45). I don't know why God designed it that way, but that is just how it is and He can be trusted with that.
So when hardships come, I'm learning that "Why?" isn't really an important question to ask, and I think it often distracts us from being able to see (or even WANT to see) God's loving grace at work in every circumstance. The truth is that He is there, working for our good and His glory, even in that tragedy that we can hardly bear. He knows what the end will be, even though we don't, and He is working so that the outcome will be better than any other road we would've chosen.
Something that really jumped out at me today, though (as I'm reading Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts), is that very many of the people who have deeply impacted my faith recently and helped me down the road in my own journey to the heart of God have been very deeply scarred by tragedy, and most of them very early in life.
Their childhoods are filled with loss, abuse, abandonment, horrors that many of us cannot even imagine. And yet look at the faith they've been given, the intimate connection with the heart of God, the powerful ministries that draw so many more to Him!
And then it hit me like a lightning strike. Perhaps their deep, deep suffering is WHY they have such a connection with the heart of God. Perhaps their battle-scarred hearts are held in a unique way by the One with the nail-scarred hands, in a way that those of us whose lives have been less tragic can't really understand.
I can clearly see that in my own life, my childhood was full of love and joy - certainly not perfect by any means, but in no way traumatic. The past ten years that I've been an independent adult, though, I've started to experience real suffering (still no tragedy, but hard things like broken relationships, failures, devastating disappointments, and crippling depression), and this is when my own understanding of God has truly been formed. It's not until the past year or two, when I have literally walked through the Valley of the Shadow of Death (Psalm 23:4), that I have truly learned what it means that God is with me even there. He used that suffering to reveal Himself to me in a beautiful and intimate way that I am convinced could not have happened if I had never gone through the valley.
And so I'm coming to wonder if maybe suffering is the path through which God draws us to Himself - and it just can't happen any other way. So it's not that people who suffer tragedy are somehow loved less and that being spared from tragedy shows a greater love and blessing... because what greater love and blessing is there than an intimate love relationship with Christ?? God uniquely chooses His beloved children to walk closer with Him by sharing in the sufferings of Christ (Col. 1:24). Maybe true intimacy with God and the deepest knowledge of His ways and most sincere love for Him is only for the few who walk the narrow road of truly carrying their bloody, death-bringing cross and following Jesus (Matt. 16:24).
So when tragedy strikes, I don't want to just DO SOMETHING to try to figure out how to stop the pain. The goal of the Christian life isn't just to avoid all pain, but to know and love God more and more. So in the middle of suffering, I need to embrace God's divine sovereignty and look for Him there in it. He is there, working, refining, weeping with us, holding us tenderly in His arms of compassion, and blessing us with the ability to know Him with a greater depth than we ever imagined before.
Last year I did a Bible study called "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" by Angela Thomas, which really changed my perspective on suffering. I have always known and believed the truth in Scripture that God can and will bring good out of any circumstance for those who love Him (Romans 8:28). And yet when tragedy strikes me personally, I wonder why. Did I do something to deserve it? Am I being punished? Did I fail in some way or neglect something I should've done? Or did God bring this as a test? Is this designed to refine some flaw out of me? Am I supposed to be learning something here? Questions swirl, and sometimes an answer just can't be found. Sometimes an answer comes many years down the road, but I believe we won't know fully until we see God face to face.
So what do we do with the WHY? What Thomas suggests in the study is just that we are fallen people who live in a fallen world, and hard things just happen. That's the way of the world we live in. Sometimes bad things are punishments. Sometimes they are tests. And sometimes they just happen. And God is present in each one, bringing good of them all. When my life is hard, I don't have to feel ashamed or outraged. This is just what it means to be human. People get hurt. People die. Circumstances change in the blink of an eye. All of life is just a vapor that passes and is gone (James 4:14). Rain falls on both the righteous and the unrighteous (Matt. 5:45). I don't know why God designed it that way, but that is just how it is and He can be trusted with that.
So when hardships come, I'm learning that "Why?" isn't really an important question to ask, and I think it often distracts us from being able to see (or even WANT to see) God's loving grace at work in every circumstance. The truth is that He is there, working for our good and His glory, even in that tragedy that we can hardly bear. He knows what the end will be, even though we don't, and He is working so that the outcome will be better than any other road we would've chosen.
Something that really jumped out at me today, though (as I'm reading Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts), is that very many of the people who have deeply impacted my faith recently and helped me down the road in my own journey to the heart of God have been very deeply scarred by tragedy, and most of them very early in life.
Their childhoods are filled with loss, abuse, abandonment, horrors that many of us cannot even imagine. And yet look at the faith they've been given, the intimate connection with the heart of God, the powerful ministries that draw so many more to Him!
And then it hit me like a lightning strike. Perhaps their deep, deep suffering is WHY they have such a connection with the heart of God. Perhaps their battle-scarred hearts are held in a unique way by the One with the nail-scarred hands, in a way that those of us whose lives have been less tragic can't really understand.
I can clearly see that in my own life, my childhood was full of love and joy - certainly not perfect by any means, but in no way traumatic. The past ten years that I've been an independent adult, though, I've started to experience real suffering (still no tragedy, but hard things like broken relationships, failures, devastating disappointments, and crippling depression), and this is when my own understanding of God has truly been formed. It's not until the past year or two, when I have literally walked through the Valley of the Shadow of Death (Psalm 23:4), that I have truly learned what it means that God is with me even there. He used that suffering to reveal Himself to me in a beautiful and intimate way that I am convinced could not have happened if I had never gone through the valley.
And so I'm coming to wonder if maybe suffering is the path through which God draws us to Himself - and it just can't happen any other way. So it's not that people who suffer tragedy are somehow loved less and that being spared from tragedy shows a greater love and blessing... because what greater love and blessing is there than an intimate love relationship with Christ?? God uniquely chooses His beloved children to walk closer with Him by sharing in the sufferings of Christ (Col. 1:24). Maybe true intimacy with God and the deepest knowledge of His ways and most sincere love for Him is only for the few who walk the narrow road of truly carrying their bloody, death-bringing cross and following Jesus (Matt. 16:24).
So when tragedy strikes, I don't want to just DO SOMETHING to try to figure out how to stop the pain. The goal of the Christian life isn't just to avoid all pain, but to know and love God more and more. So in the middle of suffering, I need to embrace God's divine sovereignty and look for Him there in it. He is there, working, refining, weeping with us, holding us tenderly in His arms of compassion, and blessing us with the ability to know Him with a greater depth than we ever imagined before.
Saturday, January 01, 2011
2010 in Review: RECEIVE
I have had a completely life-changing year in 2010, and so I wanted to write out my thoughts about how much God has done in me this year. In thinking about all of it, I believe that the best word to summarize my year is RECEIVE. This year, God has taught me how to RECEIVE His truth in a way I never have before. I grew up in church and I know the Bible well, so I've never had a problem with doctrine or knowing WHAT truth is. My issue is really RECEIVING it in a personal way, and God has completely smashed that barrier this year - all praise be to Him! So below are the main areas in which I have been taught to RECEIVE this year.
LOVE
The biggest and most life-changing thing for me this year is that I learned how to RECEIVE love. I've "known" God loves me since I was little. God so loved the world (John 3:16) and all that. But I really came to know and believe and understand it in such a personal way this year. If you had asked me about God's love, I could've told you all the right answers before, but I learned this year that I wasn't actually applying it to myself. I didn't realize this before, but I was carrying around the false perception that my mistakes, failures, sins, and imperfections somehow kept me from being truly loved. I saw God's love as more just tolerance - He put up with me and let me be saved, but He didn't really like me all that much, and He was constantly frustrated and irritated by my screw-ups. I thought that when God looked at me, He would sigh and shake His head: "What potential she has, and she's constantly messing up!" I felt like God let me be on His team, but He would never actually put me in the game - I wasn't good enough for that.
But I was wrong about that, oh so wrong! And God in His precious tenderness decided that this was the year for me to RECEIVE the truth of how He really feels about me. In January of this year, I began a Bible study called "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" with a precious group of women. God used that study and those women to completely rock my world and my understanding of who He is and who I am in Him. Do you want to know the truth? Here it is: God loves me. Oh, but not in the way I thought before!!! God loved me deeply even before He made me, and He crafted me with such tenderness and purpose to be exactly the woman I am. He knew my weaknesses. He knew my sins and my failures. And He loved me deeply, not just in spite of them, but WITH them. God's love for me isn't dependent on my performance or my faith or my service or my obedience or anything regarding me at all. He loves me because He made me; He chose me; I am His.
Someone who has never labored under the burden of such failure, shame, and guilt before may not understand the pure freedom and joy that comes when it is lifted! But oh, let me tell you! I feel almost like I can fly! There is such solid ground beneath my feet because I don't have to earn or prove anything anymore. I can rest secure in the fact that God has declared me to be beautiful, precious, and valuable even while knowing intimately my flaws and failures. He sees me, He knows me, He loves me, He forgives me, He protects me, He pursues me, He holds me, He calls me His own, He calls me His beautiful bride. I have no idea how He does it, but He feels this deeply and intimately for every single one of His children, and if you'll just let Him, He wants so deeply to show you how much it's true for you too! I am so thankful for a God who loves me so much He will NEVER let me go. I am safe with Him.
RELATIONSHIPS
The newfound safety I have in Him allows me to RECEIVE more freedom in my other relationships too. I'm no longer dependent on the approval and acceptance of others to define my value. Would you like to know what defines me? See the previous paragraph. There is absolutely nothing in that paragraph that is dependent on another human being, and so no human being can change my identity. That depends on God alone, who is eternal and unchanging. So this gives me the ability to love without needing to be loved in return, and that would make relationships a whole lot easier. I have definitely not arrived in this area, because old habits, fears, and reactions die hard. But I definitely know where I'm headed, and I want to honor God by allowing His love to flow through me to others, regardless of how I feel about them or how they feel about me.
FOOD
Another HUGE deal this year has been the beginning of my journey to understand my relationship with food and how to make sure it has its proper place in my life. Many of you know that I have struggled with weight and overeating my entire adult life, and it has been a real source of shame and struggle for me. A friend introduced me to an online Bible study course called The Lord's Table, which is for people with unhealthy relationships to food, and it teaches us to understand exactly why we relate to food the way we do. For me, food was my fallback. I ate when I was hungry, I ate when I was sad, I ate when I was bored, I ate when I was frustrated, I ate when I was lonely, I ate when I was tired... Anyone sensing a theme here? The basic premise is, though, that I would eat for comfort because I didn't want to feel hunger, sadness, boredom, frustration, loneliness, fatigue, or any kind of pain or discomfort at all. So I would self-medicate with food. Unfortunately, food doesn't satisfy, and it doesn't actually bring any healing or help for all the problems I was trying to cover up with it.
But what the Lord has shown me this year is that if I will open myself up to Him and RECEIVE His truth, love, and comfort into my life, I won't have to turn to food to just try to bury my pain. Instead, I need to take it to Him to actually have it dealt with.
So I will never diet again. I haven't been on a scale in about 6 months. Weight, calories, sugar, size... None of that is the issue here, and concentrating on it just distracts me from the real issue, which is my relationship with the Lord. As I learn to love Him more than anything, my eating will begin to line up with that, and all the rest will fall into a place that honors Him.
This is another long road, and I am nowhere near finished with this journey. In fact, I suspect this is going to be a lifelong struggle for me. However, what freedom there is for me to be able to recognize that it's ok! I struggle with overeating and with turning to food when I should be turning to the Lord. But He doesn't condemn me for that. He looks on me with patience and compassion, and He wants to help me find victory. In Him, I have hope and confidence that I WILL find victory. I'm ok with that.
HELP
This year I have finally come out of a very low season that has been several years long. It was mostly centered around the previous misconception I stated before about how I viewed myself and how I viewed God. I was living under such a mountain of failures, sins, and unmet expectations that I felt like I was suffocating. After Elias was born, I had the culture shock of becoming a stay-at-home mom, and I really just spiraled into a depression. Nothing was like I expected it to me, least of all ME - I wasn't the mother I wanted to be, the wife I wanted to be, the friend I wanted to be, the Christian I wanted to be... I felt like I was failing at everything I tried. Honestly, I couldn't picture living a whole life with the failures just piling up around me, and I wasn't sure I wanted to. But as you can read above, God completely set me free from that, and I am so thankful. But there were two essential keys to finding that freedom, and they both involved RECEIVING help. I went to my doctor who prescribed me an antidepressant - there was a difference the very first day I took it, and I'm still on it now. And I started seeing a godly counselor, who really helped me work through a lot of junk. I only see her occasionally now, but that's because God has done such a healing work in me that I don't need regular meetings anymore. But in both of those cases, I had to be willing to swallow my pride and RECEIVE the help that I needed from others.
So this year has been such a blessed one of healing, freedom, and RECEIVING truth and help from the Lord! I have absolutely no resolutions for next year besides to just keep my hands open to the Lord and RECEIVE whatever He has for me! I can't wait to see what He has in store!
LOVE
The biggest and most life-changing thing for me this year is that I learned how to RECEIVE love. I've "known" God loves me since I was little. God so loved the world (John 3:16) and all that. But I really came to know and believe and understand it in such a personal way this year. If you had asked me about God's love, I could've told you all the right answers before, but I learned this year that I wasn't actually applying it to myself. I didn't realize this before, but I was carrying around the false perception that my mistakes, failures, sins, and imperfections somehow kept me from being truly loved. I saw God's love as more just tolerance - He put up with me and let me be saved, but He didn't really like me all that much, and He was constantly frustrated and irritated by my screw-ups. I thought that when God looked at me, He would sigh and shake His head: "What potential she has, and she's constantly messing up!" I felt like God let me be on His team, but He would never actually put me in the game - I wasn't good enough for that.
But I was wrong about that, oh so wrong! And God in His precious tenderness decided that this was the year for me to RECEIVE the truth of how He really feels about me. In January of this year, I began a Bible study called "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" with a precious group of women. God used that study and those women to completely rock my world and my understanding of who He is and who I am in Him. Do you want to know the truth? Here it is: God loves me. Oh, but not in the way I thought before!!! God loved me deeply even before He made me, and He crafted me with such tenderness and purpose to be exactly the woman I am. He knew my weaknesses. He knew my sins and my failures. And He loved me deeply, not just in spite of them, but WITH them. God's love for me isn't dependent on my performance or my faith or my service or my obedience or anything regarding me at all. He loves me because He made me; He chose me; I am His.
Someone who has never labored under the burden of such failure, shame, and guilt before may not understand the pure freedom and joy that comes when it is lifted! But oh, let me tell you! I feel almost like I can fly! There is such solid ground beneath my feet because I don't have to earn or prove anything anymore. I can rest secure in the fact that God has declared me to be beautiful, precious, and valuable even while knowing intimately my flaws and failures. He sees me, He knows me, He loves me, He forgives me, He protects me, He pursues me, He holds me, He calls me His own, He calls me His beautiful bride. I have no idea how He does it, but He feels this deeply and intimately for every single one of His children, and if you'll just let Him, He wants so deeply to show you how much it's true for you too! I am so thankful for a God who loves me so much He will NEVER let me go. I am safe with Him.
RELATIONSHIPS
The newfound safety I have in Him allows me to RECEIVE more freedom in my other relationships too. I'm no longer dependent on the approval and acceptance of others to define my value. Would you like to know what defines me? See the previous paragraph. There is absolutely nothing in that paragraph that is dependent on another human being, and so no human being can change my identity. That depends on God alone, who is eternal and unchanging. So this gives me the ability to love without needing to be loved in return, and that would make relationships a whole lot easier. I have definitely not arrived in this area, because old habits, fears, and reactions die hard. But I definitely know where I'm headed, and I want to honor God by allowing His love to flow through me to others, regardless of how I feel about them or how they feel about me.
FOOD
Another HUGE deal this year has been the beginning of my journey to understand my relationship with food and how to make sure it has its proper place in my life. Many of you know that I have struggled with weight and overeating my entire adult life, and it has been a real source of shame and struggle for me. A friend introduced me to an online Bible study course called The Lord's Table, which is for people with unhealthy relationships to food, and it teaches us to understand exactly why we relate to food the way we do. For me, food was my fallback. I ate when I was hungry, I ate when I was sad, I ate when I was bored, I ate when I was frustrated, I ate when I was lonely, I ate when I was tired... Anyone sensing a theme here? The basic premise is, though, that I would eat for comfort because I didn't want to feel hunger, sadness, boredom, frustration, loneliness, fatigue, or any kind of pain or discomfort at all. So I would self-medicate with food. Unfortunately, food doesn't satisfy, and it doesn't actually bring any healing or help for all the problems I was trying to cover up with it.
But what the Lord has shown me this year is that if I will open myself up to Him and RECEIVE His truth, love, and comfort into my life, I won't have to turn to food to just try to bury my pain. Instead, I need to take it to Him to actually have it dealt with.
So I will never diet again. I haven't been on a scale in about 6 months. Weight, calories, sugar, size... None of that is the issue here, and concentrating on it just distracts me from the real issue, which is my relationship with the Lord. As I learn to love Him more than anything, my eating will begin to line up with that, and all the rest will fall into a place that honors Him.
This is another long road, and I am nowhere near finished with this journey. In fact, I suspect this is going to be a lifelong struggle for me. However, what freedom there is for me to be able to recognize that it's ok! I struggle with overeating and with turning to food when I should be turning to the Lord. But He doesn't condemn me for that. He looks on me with patience and compassion, and He wants to help me find victory. In Him, I have hope and confidence that I WILL find victory. I'm ok with that.
HELP
This year I have finally come out of a very low season that has been several years long. It was mostly centered around the previous misconception I stated before about how I viewed myself and how I viewed God. I was living under such a mountain of failures, sins, and unmet expectations that I felt like I was suffocating. After Elias was born, I had the culture shock of becoming a stay-at-home mom, and I really just spiraled into a depression. Nothing was like I expected it to me, least of all ME - I wasn't the mother I wanted to be, the wife I wanted to be, the friend I wanted to be, the Christian I wanted to be... I felt like I was failing at everything I tried. Honestly, I couldn't picture living a whole life with the failures just piling up around me, and I wasn't sure I wanted to. But as you can read above, God completely set me free from that, and I am so thankful. But there were two essential keys to finding that freedom, and they both involved RECEIVING help. I went to my doctor who prescribed me an antidepressant - there was a difference the very first day I took it, and I'm still on it now. And I started seeing a godly counselor, who really helped me work through a lot of junk. I only see her occasionally now, but that's because God has done such a healing work in me that I don't need regular meetings anymore. But in both of those cases, I had to be willing to swallow my pride and RECEIVE the help that I needed from others.
So this year has been such a blessed one of healing, freedom, and RECEIVING truth and help from the Lord! I have absolutely no resolutions for next year besides to just keep my hands open to the Lord and RECEIVE whatever He has for me! I can't wait to see what He has in store!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Slow Down, You Move Too Fast
Over the summer, I decided to do an experiment. I don't remember exactly why, but I decided I was going to drive at or below the speed limit. This may be unexceptional to many of you, but my practice before this was to always drive 3 or 4 mph over the speed limit (or more on the highway) - I considered that to be "safe" from getting pulled over. However, I think my conscience just started to bother me. I mean, whenever I'd see a policeman clocking, I'd have to slam on my brakes to try to slow down to the speed limit. And I always knew that if I got pulled over, I deserved the ticket because I was, in fact, breaking the law. So that's probably why I started the experiment. Now I don't worry at all whenever I see a cop - I just continue on my merry way! I was surprised at how easy it was to stay within the speed limit. Once I got used to it, now I actually find myself tending to go below the speed limit if I'm not paying attention rather than above it. The drivers behind me aren't always so happy at this, but I'm good with that. (Note: This isn't intended to be any kind of judgment or statement about the driving habits of my readers. You do whatever works for you. I'm just sharing what works for me. Please keep reading!)
The reason I'm good with that is because of the unexpected side effect this has had in my life... I find that I am generally a lot more relaxed than I was before. I don't have to worry about rushing around and trying to get everywhere at the fastest possible rate of speed. I plan to leave early enough to get wherever I'm going on time, but if that doesn't happen, I prefer to go the speed limit and just be a few minutes late. Nothing in my schedule is going to be a disaster if I'm not there at the stroke of the clock. And I'm really just enjoying time in the car more, I enjoy listening to the radio more, I'm just chilling out and enjoying the ride. Kind of the "taking time to stop and smell the roses" concept.
But I think this also speaks to the concept of enjoying the journey instead of focusing solely on the destination, and this is a theme in my life and spiritual life too these days. I want to slow down and enjoy the Terrible Two's instead of focusing only on the day Elias turns three (or goes to school or starts to drive or becomes a responsible adult...). And this is definitely a concept God has been working on in my spiritual life, too. I get so frustrated and discouraged whenever I have any kind of stumble or setback. I tell myself "You should know better by now!" But what God is telling me about this, first of all, is that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:1). So any voices that are condemning me for failure are NOT from Him. But secondly, He never intended for our spiritual lives to be only about the destination, but to be a journey from birth to death. None of us will achieve perfection in this life, but we are all on a journey toward holiness that will end at Heaven. Have I moved forward in my spiritual walk? Am I more like Christ than I was 5 years ago? If so, then I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, regardless of whether or not I still struggle and sin. We all do, and that's ok.
I've been feeling, though, like there's an even further spiritual application here, and I've been struggling to put my finger on it until I read this morning's (October 19) devotion in My Utmost for His Highest. I've selected the parts that were most meaningful to me to post here. Read the entire devotion here.
This is an exceptionally good lesson for me as a stay-at-home mom. As I'm getting perspective on it, I've come to realize that a lot of my depression that began after Elias was born was rooted in how dramatically my sphere changed. I went from being a world traveler, employed full-time, and free to come and go as I pleased, to being stuck at home most of the time making a paycheck of $0, with a total of two people in my daily sphere of influence. Culture shock! And I just felt unimportant, useless. I was unable to serve in the many ways I did before becoming a mom, and that left me questioning where my value came from. As I explore that question, God's answer is clear: my value comes because I am His. Period. And instead of seeing my time staying home with Elias as limiting me, I need to see it for what it is. It is a gift straight from God, a season where all that is required of me spiritually is to sit at Jesus' feet. Sure, I do a lot - I am in no way trying to minimize the contribution of a stay-at-home mom to the life and well-being of her family! I get that. But when it comes to ministry, serving at church, etc., that just doesn't fit into my lifestyle much right now. And what God is telling me is that's ok. The thing that is most important is to sit at His feet, to be rooted and grounded in Him, to relax and enjoy the journey that will ultimately take me into His presence.
The reason I'm good with that is because of the unexpected side effect this has had in my life... I find that I am generally a lot more relaxed than I was before. I don't have to worry about rushing around and trying to get everywhere at the fastest possible rate of speed. I plan to leave early enough to get wherever I'm going on time, but if that doesn't happen, I prefer to go the speed limit and just be a few minutes late. Nothing in my schedule is going to be a disaster if I'm not there at the stroke of the clock. And I'm really just enjoying time in the car more, I enjoy listening to the radio more, I'm just chilling out and enjoying the ride. Kind of the "taking time to stop and smell the roses" concept.
But I think this also speaks to the concept of enjoying the journey instead of focusing solely on the destination, and this is a theme in my life and spiritual life too these days. I want to slow down and enjoy the Terrible Two's instead of focusing only on the day Elias turns three (or goes to school or starts to drive or becomes a responsible adult...). And this is definitely a concept God has been working on in my spiritual life, too. I get so frustrated and discouraged whenever I have any kind of stumble or setback. I tell myself "You should know better by now!" But what God is telling me about this, first of all, is that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:1). So any voices that are condemning me for failure are NOT from Him. But secondly, He never intended for our spiritual lives to be only about the destination, but to be a journey from birth to death. None of us will achieve perfection in this life, but we are all on a journey toward holiness that will end at Heaven. Have I moved forward in my spiritual walk? Am I more like Christ than I was 5 years ago? If so, then I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, regardless of whether or not I still struggle and sin. We all do, and that's ok.
I've been feeling, though, like there's an even further spiritual application here, and I've been struggling to put my finger on it until I read this morning's (October 19) devotion in My Utmost for His Highest. I've selected the parts that were most meaningful to me to post here. Read the entire devotion here.
In our Lord's life, there was none of the pressure and the rushing of tremendous activity that we regard so highly today, and a disciple is to be like His Master. The central point of the kingdom of Jesus Christ is a personal relationship with Him, not public usefulness to others...This also reminds me of the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42). Jesus came to visit at Mary and Martha's house. While Martha bustled around trying to get everything just right to serve Jesus, Mary just sat at His feet. Martha got upset and asked Jesus to tell Mary to get up and help her, but Jesus said Mary made the better choice of how to spend her time. That's an old story in my world, but always one that gives me a reality check. Would Jesus tell me that I'm anxious and worked up over too many things, and I need to think about whether my priorities line up with His?
You have no idea of where or how God is going to engineer your future circumstances, and no knowledge of what stress or strain is going to be placed on you... And if you waste your time in over-activity, instead of being immersed in the great fundamental truths of God's redemption, then you will snap when the stress and strain do come. But if this time of soaking before God is being spent in getting rooted and grounded in Him, which may appear to be impractical, then you will remain true to Him whatever happens.
This is an exceptionally good lesson for me as a stay-at-home mom. As I'm getting perspective on it, I've come to realize that a lot of my depression that began after Elias was born was rooted in how dramatically my sphere changed. I went from being a world traveler, employed full-time, and free to come and go as I pleased, to being stuck at home most of the time making a paycheck of $0, with a total of two people in my daily sphere of influence. Culture shock! And I just felt unimportant, useless. I was unable to serve in the many ways I did before becoming a mom, and that left me questioning where my value came from. As I explore that question, God's answer is clear: my value comes because I am His. Period. And instead of seeing my time staying home with Elias as limiting me, I need to see it for what it is. It is a gift straight from God, a season where all that is required of me spiritually is to sit at Jesus' feet. Sure, I do a lot - I am in no way trying to minimize the contribution of a stay-at-home mom to the life and well-being of her family! I get that. But when it comes to ministry, serving at church, etc., that just doesn't fit into my lifestyle much right now. And what God is telling me is that's ok. The thing that is most important is to sit at His feet, to be rooted and grounded in Him, to relax and enjoy the journey that will ultimately take me into His presence.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
My Rescue Pack
If any of you are my friends on Facebook, you may have seen that we started watching the show Go, Diego, Go! this week. If any of you are unfamiliar with the show, the basic premise is that Diego is an animal rescuer. Every week there is a different wild animal in some kind of danger, and Diego rescues it while learning all about the animal. Cute show - educational, bilingual (Diego is Hispanic.), interactive, and fantastic Latin music. However, I don't want this post to be about my review of the show.
In the show, Diego wears his Rescue Pack on his back. This thing is stinkin' awesome. It can turn into anything Diego needs to get through a dangerous situation safely - a boat, a raft, a bike, a wagon, a phone, a hang glider, a rope, a kayak, a skateboard, or a hot air balloon, just to name a few. So whenever Diego gets into a situation, he just tells the Rescue Pack what he needs it to be, and it turns into that. Very cool.
So right now I'm in a season of learning how to overcome some past hurts and disappointments in my life so I can move on. I was talking to a friend about it today, and she asked me to imagine myself standing on the edge of a cliff. The cliff I am on is my past dreams and plans - the things that turned out to not work the way I thought they would. Those have crumbled out from underneath me, so now I'm at the edge looking out into the chasm. Out in front of me is Plan B. It's dark and hazy out there - I have no idea what awaits. But my two choices are to either stand paralyzed on the edge of the cliff, which is where I've been for the past 6+ years, or I can let go of Plan A and jump in faith out into the unknown. She told me then to ask God "If I jump, what will You do?" So I did. And can you guess what He answered??
With a clear mental image of Diego hang-gliding off a mountain waterfall, God said to me, "I'll be your Rescue Pack." I burst out laughing and crying at the same time! What a sense of humor God has! But also how precious and tender of Him to reveal His truth to me in a way that I perfectly understand. I don't have to be afraid to let go of my past and jump out in faith into whatever God has for me, because He promises to be my Rescue Pack. He will be for me everything I need to complete my mission and arrive safely at my destination.
So I don't know what the future holds - quite possibly more hurts and disappointments. But God promises to be a safety net when I fall, a parachute to ease the descent, or He may just be my wings so I can soar!
In the show, Diego wears his Rescue Pack on his back. This thing is stinkin' awesome. It can turn into anything Diego needs to get through a dangerous situation safely - a boat, a raft, a bike, a wagon, a phone, a hang glider, a rope, a kayak, a skateboard, or a hot air balloon, just to name a few. So whenever Diego gets into a situation, he just tells the Rescue Pack what he needs it to be, and it turns into that. Very cool.So right now I'm in a season of learning how to overcome some past hurts and disappointments in my life so I can move on. I was talking to a friend about it today, and she asked me to imagine myself standing on the edge of a cliff. The cliff I am on is my past dreams and plans - the things that turned out to not work the way I thought they would. Those have crumbled out from underneath me, so now I'm at the edge looking out into the chasm. Out in front of me is Plan B. It's dark and hazy out there - I have no idea what awaits. But my two choices are to either stand paralyzed on the edge of the cliff, which is where I've been for the past 6+ years, or I can let go of Plan A and jump in faith out into the unknown. She told me then to ask God "If I jump, what will You do?" So I did. And can you guess what He answered??
With a clear mental image of Diego hang-gliding off a mountain waterfall, God said to me, "I'll be your Rescue Pack." I burst out laughing and crying at the same time! What a sense of humor God has! But also how precious and tender of Him to reveal His truth to me in a way that I perfectly understand. I don't have to be afraid to let go of my past and jump out in faith into whatever God has for me, because He promises to be my Rescue Pack. He will be for me everything I need to complete my mission and arrive safely at my destination.
So I don't know what the future holds - quite possibly more hurts and disappointments. But God promises to be a safety net when I fall, a parachute to ease the descent, or He may just be my wings so I can soar!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Believing Truth
I am so thankful for my friends and family! You guys are so precious to me, and I really appreciate your love, support, and prayers for me in the battle that I shared about in my previous post. It means so much to me to have people who understand and will support me in prayer.
This has been a long road, and I believe it will still be a long road before I reach the end of this particular struggle. This particular season, though, the battle has just intensified, and I find myself making one step forward, two steps back, a half a step forward, three steps back... I'm really trying to at least keep FACING the right direction, though, even if I am moving backward sometimes. A huge part of keeping myself facing the right direction is knowing what is truth and believing it. That sounds simple, but I really think it's the crux of my struggle, at least the emotional and mental facets of it.
So in my prayers and meditation over WHY I'm facing this battle and WHY it affects me so badly emotionally and mentally, God gave me two precious truths that are key to keeping it all in proper perspective and therefore keeping my mind and emotions in check. These two things are Truth, and I believing them will allow me to face trials and accept them in faith. Here they are:
1. Everything God allows into my life is coming from His great love for me.
2. Trials that God allows me to go through are for the purpose of refining me to reach my full potential in Him.
These two things are HUGE, and it is so precious to me that God gave me truth in response to the exact things that I'm struggling over in my mental battles. Because when I'm struggling, my mind tends to say things like this: "I'm supposed to believe that God loves me. But God can't really love me or else I wouldn't be dealing with stuff. He would intervene if He really loved me. He would answer my prayers for relief. He would keep me from stumbling. He would protect me from attacks. He would keep me from believing lies..." etc, etc, etc until it makes me want to curl up and die.
But now when I start going down this road again, I can refer to the Truths above. God does in fact love me, which means that He wants what is best for me, not necessarily what is easiest. To help me understand it better, I thought about the way I love Elias. I love him so much that I want him to grow into a responsible and mature adult, so I discipline him now. That's not easy and not pleasant, and he would be a lot happier right now if I would just let him do whatever he wants. But that wouldn't be love and it would lead not only to misery later, but it would prevent him from being a useful and valuable member of society in the future too.
And that leads right into the second point, which is that God has a purpose and point to the suffering I go through. In this particular case, He has shown me a LOT of doubt and rebellion that lies in my heart, which I never would've known was there if my life had always been all hunky-dory. So he uses pain and suffering to reveal that so it can be dealt with and cleansed, thus enabling me to be happier in Him and also a better representative on earth of Christ and His character.
Sometimes, though, I don't always get to see the purpose behind what He's doing, and that's where faith comes in. It's hard in the middle of suffering to understand and believe that God is allowing this out of love. And so I just have to believe it. So that's where I am right now. Just choosing to believe God and praying that He'll bring me out of this valley into a place of rest soon.
This has been a long road, and I believe it will still be a long road before I reach the end of this particular struggle. This particular season, though, the battle has just intensified, and I find myself making one step forward, two steps back, a half a step forward, three steps back... I'm really trying to at least keep FACING the right direction, though, even if I am moving backward sometimes. A huge part of keeping myself facing the right direction is knowing what is truth and believing it. That sounds simple, but I really think it's the crux of my struggle, at least the emotional and mental facets of it.
So in my prayers and meditation over WHY I'm facing this battle and WHY it affects me so badly emotionally and mentally, God gave me two precious truths that are key to keeping it all in proper perspective and therefore keeping my mind and emotions in check. These two things are Truth, and I believing them will allow me to face trials and accept them in faith. Here they are:
1. Everything God allows into my life is coming from His great love for me.
2. Trials that God allows me to go through are for the purpose of refining me to reach my full potential in Him.
These two things are HUGE, and it is so precious to me that God gave me truth in response to the exact things that I'm struggling over in my mental battles. Because when I'm struggling, my mind tends to say things like this: "I'm supposed to believe that God loves me. But God can't really love me or else I wouldn't be dealing with stuff. He would intervene if He really loved me. He would answer my prayers for relief. He would keep me from stumbling. He would protect me from attacks. He would keep me from believing lies..." etc, etc, etc until it makes me want to curl up and die.
But now when I start going down this road again, I can refer to the Truths above. God does in fact love me, which means that He wants what is best for me, not necessarily what is easiest. To help me understand it better, I thought about the way I love Elias. I love him so much that I want him to grow into a responsible and mature adult, so I discipline him now. That's not easy and not pleasant, and he would be a lot happier right now if I would just let him do whatever he wants. But that wouldn't be love and it would lead not only to misery later, but it would prevent him from being a useful and valuable member of society in the future too.
And that leads right into the second point, which is that God has a purpose and point to the suffering I go through. In this particular case, He has shown me a LOT of doubt and rebellion that lies in my heart, which I never would've known was there if my life had always been all hunky-dory. So he uses pain and suffering to reveal that so it can be dealt with and cleansed, thus enabling me to be happier in Him and also a better representative on earth of Christ and His character.
Sometimes, though, I don't always get to see the purpose behind what He's doing, and that's where faith comes in. It's hard in the middle of suffering to understand and believe that God is allowing this out of love. And so I just have to believe it. So that's where I am right now. Just choosing to believe God and praying that He'll bring me out of this valley into a place of rest soon.
Monday, May 17, 2010
My Shield & Refuge
I think I've posted a bit about this on here in the past two years, but not much. I don't like complaining about things that aren't going to change, and I prefer keeping this blog a light place to share mostly about Elias. However, I want to share about where I am right now. If there are any of you that even still check this blog, you know that I have majorly slacked off on posting here, and that is partly because of the personal stuff I'm dealing with. I have had major trouble in the physical/hormonal adjustment since Elias was born. I won't go into details in this public forum, but it has affected me deeply both physically, mentally, and spiritually. I have called it depression and hormonal imbalance, I've thought I was just crazy, and I've believed it is a spiritual attack. In truth it is probably all three of those things, along with other factors that I don't realize. I keep believing/hoping/praying that it will just resolve on its own. I've been to the doctor a couple times, but those visits just end in frustration because she can't really explain or help either. I mean, of course a woman's body and mind go through difficult transitions upon becoming a mother! And since no two women respond the same way, it's not easy to diagnose a problem or find a surefire solution. So I wait. And wait. And wait. Not very patiently at times.
The past two weeks have been very, very difficult ones for me on this front. I've been the lowest that maybe I've ever been. One thing that has been different about this particular valley is that the spiritual attacks have been fierce and blatant. I have found myself doubting my faith and the truth of Scripture. I have wondered if maybe I should be institutionalized because I am completely losing my mind. I have been deliberately disobedient to God out of anger because I felt like He is not coming through for me in this area. And I just don't understand why I'm struggling in this area, why I am praying for relief but it instead just seems to get worse.
But today I came to a crossroads of faith. I either need to believe in God's love and faithfulness that are promised in Scripture, or I need to "curse God and die. (Job 2:9)" I can't keep living on both sides of the fence. So I got on my knees before God and just cried "HELP!" I flipped open my Bible to a random page and saw this:
Then I flipped to another random page and just stared in disbelief at what God took me to:
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
The past two weeks have been very, very difficult ones for me on this front. I've been the lowest that maybe I've ever been. One thing that has been different about this particular valley is that the spiritual attacks have been fierce and blatant. I have found myself doubting my faith and the truth of Scripture. I have wondered if maybe I should be institutionalized because I am completely losing my mind. I have been deliberately disobedient to God out of anger because I felt like He is not coming through for me in this area. And I just don't understand why I'm struggling in this area, why I am praying for relief but it instead just seems to get worse.
But today I came to a crossroads of faith. I either need to believe in God's love and faithfulness that are promised in Scripture, or I need to "curse God and die. (Job 2:9)" I can't keep living on both sides of the fence. So I got on my knees before God and just cried "HELP!" I flipped open my Bible to a random page and saw this:
Proverbs 30:5So that's a pretty clear answer to which of the two above choices is the right one. God's Word not only is true, but it PROVES true. It has been tested and proven. I need to take refuge in Him and He will be my shield.
Every word of God proves true; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him.
Then I flipped to another random page and just stared in disbelief at what God took me to:
Jeremiah 29:11-13These are incredibly meaningful for my current situation anyway, but most of you may not know that these are the verses I have always claimed as my "life verses." So it was no coincidence that He opened my Bible to these verses right when I was doubting the truth of His love and faithfulness in my life. He knows, He sees, He hears, He answers. I still don't understand what I'm dealing with or why, but He is here, He is available to me in my time of need, and He has good plans of hope for me.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Looking Back, Looking Ahead
I'm generally not one to make New Year's resolutions. If something about me needs to change, I should work on changing it now instead of once a year. However, I do think that the New Year gives a feeling of new beginnings, which is a great time for looking back, evaluating, and setting goals. I'm all for evaluating and setting goals! So here are my thoughts about what I'd like to work on in 2010.
1. Prayer Life - I am so blessed to have a husband who takes care of Elias in the mornings to allow me to have a quiet time. This year I was also blessed to be able to join a Bible study for stay-at-home moms, and we went through Breaking Free, which completely rocked my world. But having these small victories in my walk with the Lord has caused me to want more. I KNOW there is more to be had with Him, and I believe that prayer is the way to access His power in my life and in the lives of those I pray for. I want a greater hunger for Him and a closer walk with Him, and I think prayer is the way to get both of those things. Plus, with my realm being so limited because of staying home with Elias, I don't have much opportunity to get out and serve and minister and be Christ's hands to people. So I believe that prayer is how I can influence the whole world - I can be Christ's heart for people. I think it was Oswald Chambers who said, "Prayer does not fit us for the greater work; prayer is the greater work." May that be so in me. If anybody has any good suggestions for Bible studies on prayer, please feel free to let me know.
2. Giving - Having said that about prayer being the greater work, Justin and I are both feeling like we want to be better stewards of our financial resources, using them better for Christ. Our theme verse for this is James 1:27, which says "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." I want to be more aware of the helpless and hurting both here and around the world, and I want to be doing something about it in the name of Christ. Since I am the one who handles the budget in our house, I want to rearrange it so that we are able to give more to those in need both here and around the world. Justin also wrote a bit about it on his blog here.
3. Personal Appearance - I want to take more pride in my appearance and work harder at looking better. I'm not necessarily talking about losing weight here. I mean, I do need to lose weight and I will be working on that in the new year. But this is something I'm already in the process of doing, and nothing about that really needs to change - I just need to keep up the hard work! What I'm talking about here is that my child is 19-months-old, so I really don't have an excuse anymore to go around looking like the mommy of a newborn! I'm not saying I'm going to start wearing makeup or anything - let's not get crazy here. But I'm thinking maybe I could, you know, like, fix my hair or occasionally wear something besides a t-shirt. This goal also includes things like taking care of my skin and you know, actually looking in the mirror and brushing my hair before I go to the grocery store.
4. Using My Time Well - As I stated in #3, I am no longer the mommy of a newborn. I do actually have quite a bit of free time and motherhood is no longer stressful and exhausting. So I don't really have an excuse anymore (like the mommies of newborns do!) to spend all my free time on leisure - things like reading and playing games. I don't really have a specific goal for how to do this, so suggestions would be welcome, but I think my time would be better spent reading the occasional nonfiction book in addition to the fiction I so greedily consume. Or I could knit blankets and hats for the local pregnancy crisis center. Or I could write letters to missionaries. Or I could pray for them. These would all be time well spent. So this one is going to require a bit more thought and planning on my part, but getting it out here might help me keep my eye on the prize.
This list is by no means comprehensive, it's just what's on my mind tonight. My biggest goal for 2010 is just that God will have His way in and through me. I think that will involve these four things, but it may not. Either way, may He receive all glory in and through me! Amen.
1. Prayer Life - I am so blessed to have a husband who takes care of Elias in the mornings to allow me to have a quiet time. This year I was also blessed to be able to join a Bible study for stay-at-home moms, and we went through Breaking Free, which completely rocked my world. But having these small victories in my walk with the Lord has caused me to want more. I KNOW there is more to be had with Him, and I believe that prayer is the way to access His power in my life and in the lives of those I pray for. I want a greater hunger for Him and a closer walk with Him, and I think prayer is the way to get both of those things. Plus, with my realm being so limited because of staying home with Elias, I don't have much opportunity to get out and serve and minister and be Christ's hands to people. So I believe that prayer is how I can influence the whole world - I can be Christ's heart for people. I think it was Oswald Chambers who said, "Prayer does not fit us for the greater work; prayer is the greater work." May that be so in me. If anybody has any good suggestions for Bible studies on prayer, please feel free to let me know.
2. Giving - Having said that about prayer being the greater work, Justin and I are both feeling like we want to be better stewards of our financial resources, using them better for Christ. Our theme verse for this is James 1:27, which says "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." I want to be more aware of the helpless and hurting both here and around the world, and I want to be doing something about it in the name of Christ. Since I am the one who handles the budget in our house, I want to rearrange it so that we are able to give more to those in need both here and around the world. Justin also wrote a bit about it on his blog here.
3. Personal Appearance - I want to take more pride in my appearance and work harder at looking better. I'm not necessarily talking about losing weight here. I mean, I do need to lose weight and I will be working on that in the new year. But this is something I'm already in the process of doing, and nothing about that really needs to change - I just need to keep up the hard work! What I'm talking about here is that my child is 19-months-old, so I really don't have an excuse anymore to go around looking like the mommy of a newborn! I'm not saying I'm going to start wearing makeup or anything - let's not get crazy here. But I'm thinking maybe I could, you know, like, fix my hair or occasionally wear something besides a t-shirt. This goal also includes things like taking care of my skin and you know, actually looking in the mirror and brushing my hair before I go to the grocery store.
4. Using My Time Well - As I stated in #3, I am no longer the mommy of a newborn. I do actually have quite a bit of free time and motherhood is no longer stressful and exhausting. So I don't really have an excuse anymore (like the mommies of newborns do!) to spend all my free time on leisure - things like reading and playing games. I don't really have a specific goal for how to do this, so suggestions would be welcome, but I think my time would be better spent reading the occasional nonfiction book in addition to the fiction I so greedily consume. Or I could knit blankets and hats for the local pregnancy crisis center. Or I could write letters to missionaries. Or I could pray for them. These would all be time well spent. So this one is going to require a bit more thought and planning on my part, but getting it out here might help me keep my eye on the prize.
This list is by no means comprehensive, it's just what's on my mind tonight. My biggest goal for 2010 is just that God will have His way in and through me. I think that will involve these four things, but it may not. Either way, may He receive all glory in and through me! Amen.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Be Careful Little Feet
God is working on teaching me something right now, and my thoughts aren't fully formed about it yet, but I want to get it out there all the same. Most of the time writing about something helps me organize my thoughts about it, so you all are lucky enough to be able to be the recipients of my ramblings on the matter.
I'm currently participating in Beth Moore's Breaking Free Bible study with a group of young moms in my area. This is a powerful, powerful study, and I recommend it to anybody whether you feel like you have areas of bondage in your life or not. This week's focus has been on looking back in our families to see what kinds of bondage may have been passed down to us from generations and generations of our families. One of the main Scriptures she uses this week is Exodus 20:5-6.
God has given this all a very personal application for me, though, in thinking about my own struggles and areas of bondage, and thinking about the effect it will have on Elias and any other children/grands/greats/etc. I have been struggling a lot with shortcomings, difficulties, and failures for the past couple of years, and I often get discouraged. I struggle with making the right choices every day and with maintaining hope that God can and will deliver me from this bondage. I am often tempted to think that the little choices I make every day don't really matter, won't make a difference in the grand scheme of things. Or probably a better way to put it is just that I get tired of fighting day in and day out to make the best choices, when I don't feel like I'm making any progress or don't feel like there's any reward for doing what's right.
But there's a Casting Crowns song called "Slow Fade," which has always been meaningful to me, but this week has taken an even deeper meaning in the context of breaking my own bondage in order to not pass it down to Elias. You can watch the video here and read the lyrics here. This week it has seemed to come on the radio every time I get in the car, so if you see me driving down the street bawling, that's probably why. The chorus goes like this:
I'm currently participating in Beth Moore's Breaking Free Bible study with a group of young moms in my area. This is a powerful, powerful study, and I recommend it to anybody whether you feel like you have areas of bondage in your life or not. This week's focus has been on looking back in our families to see what kinds of bondage may have been passed down to us from generations and generations of our families. One of the main Scriptures she uses this week is Exodus 20:5-6.
You shall not bow down to them [idols] or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand [generations] of those who love me and keep my commandments.This verse doesn't mean that we have to pay for our ancestors' sins - Christ did that on the cross. Instead, this means that we often have to bear the natural consequences of generational sins, and we are often more susceptible to repeat the mistakes we saw in those who came before us. Don't get so caught up in verse 5, though, that you miss verse 6. The descendants of the wicked often reap painful consequences, but the descendants of the faithful are guaranteed to reap blessing for a thousand generations! So not only do I want to look back at my ancestors to see if I may have inherited any bondage that I wasn't aware of, but the thing that really took hold of me about this concept this week is to be aware of the legacy I'm leaving for my children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, etc. Do I want to be the means by which suffering is inflicted on 3 or 4 future generations, or do I instead want to be the means by which blessing is passed on to thousands?
God has given this all a very personal application for me, though, in thinking about my own struggles and areas of bondage, and thinking about the effect it will have on Elias and any other children/grands/greats/etc. I have been struggling a lot with shortcomings, difficulties, and failures for the past couple of years, and I often get discouraged. I struggle with making the right choices every day and with maintaining hope that God can and will deliver me from this bondage. I am often tempted to think that the little choices I make every day don't really matter, won't make a difference in the grand scheme of things. Or probably a better way to put it is just that I get tired of fighting day in and day out to make the best choices, when I don't feel like I'm making any progress or don't feel like there's any reward for doing what's right.
But there's a Casting Crowns song called "Slow Fade," which has always been meaningful to me, but this week has taken an even deeper meaning in the context of breaking my own bondage in order to not pass it down to Elias. You can watch the video here and read the lyrics here. This week it has seemed to come on the radio every time I get in the car, so if you see me driving down the street bawling, that's probably why. The chorus goes like this:
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away.So the meaning that this takes for me is just that every choice I make is either one step closer to freedom or one step deeper in bondage. There are very few neutral choices. So when I'm tempted to just stop fighting "just this once," I need to remember that just this one compromise is the first step down a path I don't want to walk down myself, and that I definitely don't want to lead my son down. The first verse of the song says this:
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray.
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away.
People never crumble in a day.
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade.
Be careful little feet where you go,Oh, I want to lead those little feet behind me down the path of God's Truth to freedom and nowhere else. So I will fight. And keep fighting. Because I do not want to see my children struggling in my same prisons. I want to be the means by which they are able to live in great blessing, freedom, and power from the Lord.
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
How Humble Your Love
This morning in church we sang a song whose chorus says:
I also received great encouragement in continuing to read this chapter where Screwtape says this:
What a wonderful Maker,I know the song well, but this morning I was struck by the line that says "How humble Your love," and I thought about what it meant that God's love is humble. I think it means that He isn't forceful or assuming with His love, but that He just gives it and leaves us the freedom to accept it or not. This reminded me of a quote from C.S. Lews in Chapter 8 of The Screwtape Letters, which I actually blogged about here a couple years ago. In it, the demon Screwtape writes this about God:
What a wonderful Savior.
How majestic Your whispers,
How humble Your love.
With a strength like no other
And the heart of a Father,
How majestic Your whispers.
What a wonderful God.
You must have often wondered why the Enemy [God] does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. But you now see that the Irresistible and the Indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to over-ride a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo.He cannot ravish. He can only woo. How sweet to think that God woos me, longing for me to CHOOSE Him and not just come to Him out of compulsion.
I also received great encouragement in continuing to read this chapter where Screwtape says this:
Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs—to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best... ...He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger, than when a human, no longer desiring, but intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.Wow, this perfectly describes the valley I have been walking through and continue to walk, and I am thankful for this brief glimpse of the heart of God, through which I feel Him saying to me, "I see your struggles, I know your heart, and I am deeply moved by your perseverance in faith, no matter how shaky at times. I am still here, my beloved one." Thank You, Lord.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Grace is Sufficient
I want to thank you all for your kind and understanding comments, messages, and emails. I am blessed beyond measure to have a nationwide community of friends who lift me up and encourage me! It helps me a lot to know that you understand where I'm coming from and what I'm going through, and especially to know that you're praying for me!
Yesterday, we had a guest preacher at our church since our pastor is on a mission trip, and it was as if the Lord specifically chose this preacher to preach this message just for me. (Well, He in fact probably did.) I'm not saying it gave me all the answers or that I'm magically all better. But I have more to think about, and I'm encouraged to keep running the race and believing in God's sovereignty and goodness.
The text from the sermon was 2 Corinthians 4:1-10. I'll only copy verses 7-10 here:
But my second and deeper thought is related to the above Scriptures. I guess I'd always thought that they meant that God is glorified in our weaknesses by delivering us from them in a victoriously overcoming manner. We walk in victory, acknowledging what God has delivered us from, and that is what brings Him glory. However, the preacher yesterday and the Scriptures above don't actually say that. They say that God is glorified in the weakness and failure itself, not in our deliverance from them. That doesn't make sense, and it's counter intuitive to our modern culture. But maybe that's the challenge of faith here. I don't yet know exactly what that means, but I thought I'd share the journey. Any thoughts would be welcome.
Yesterday, we had a guest preacher at our church since our pastor is on a mission trip, and it was as if the Lord specifically chose this preacher to preach this message just for me. (Well, He in fact probably did.) I'm not saying it gave me all the answers or that I'm magically all better. But I have more to think about, and I'm encouraged to keep running the race and believing in God's sovereignty and goodness.
The text from the sermon was 2 Corinthians 4:1-10. I'll only copy verses 7-10 here:
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.Some other Scriptures referenced were 2 Corinthians 11:24-28:
Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches.And 2 Corinthians 12:7-10:
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.I'm not going to go into a long exegesis about the life of Paul or my great revelations from these Scriptures. I'm still meditating on them myself and seeking to find the depths that God has for me in them. However, the basic thing I took away from the message yesterday is that Paul's life sucked. Paul, who is held up as one of THE greatest standards of the Christian faith, who poured out his life as a drink offering in service for Christ, who is known as THE Apostle, who carried the Good News of the Gospel all over the world, and whose work is still being carried on today. His life was so bad that he said in 1 Corinthians 15:19:
If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men.None of the above Scriptures are new to me, but I guess I've never considered them all at once or considered what they really indicate that Paul's life was. It was miserable. Not only did he suffer physical hardship, but the vast majority of his missionary work was unsuccessful in his lifetime, and he was rejected, beaten, stoned, and chased out of town most of the places that he went. So my first reaction to this is that I really don't have much to complain about.
But my second and deeper thought is related to the above Scriptures. I guess I'd always thought that they meant that God is glorified in our weaknesses by delivering us from them in a victoriously overcoming manner. We walk in victory, acknowledging what God has delivered us from, and that is what brings Him glory. However, the preacher yesterday and the Scriptures above don't actually say that. They say that God is glorified in the weakness and failure itself, not in our deliverance from them. That doesn't make sense, and it's counter intuitive to our modern culture. But maybe that's the challenge of faith here. I don't yet know exactly what that means, but I thought I'd share the journey. Any thoughts would be welcome.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Is All Suffering for the Lord?
It's been a rough season for me. I've been suffering various physical challenges for the past 6 weeks that are really wearing on me emotionally and spiritually. I am weary and worn, feel like I'm stuck in the spin cycle and every time it looks like it might be ending, somebody turns the machine back on for another round. I've realized about myself something that has been true for a long time, but I've never been able to put into words before: Whenever I'm facing long bouts of adversity, my tendency is to just shut down, stop doing anything. It's a challenge for me to get out of bed every day and fulfill my very basic responsibilities, much less do anything that isn't absolutely necessary. So then I start feeling useless and guilty, just adding to the ridiculous emotional roller coaster.
There is no way for me to end the challenges myself, but something has to give here. My old idols that God has been working to free me from (vaguely referenced here a few months ago) are beckoning loudly telling me to come to them for comfort. And I've worn a permanent groove in the couch where I lay there for most of the day whenever Elias is napping. I'm a disappointment to myself and to those who care about me and depend on me, and it has to stop.
But I don't know how. I just don't have the ability to pull myself up by my bootstraps - I feel like somebody has just ripped off my bootstraps so there's nothing to even try to pull up on. My only hope is to throw myself at God's mercy and believe that He'll catch me there. But I've realized over the past couple days that I'm MAD at Him. For allowing all this crap into my life one thing after another, for making me so weak and foolish to not be able to bear these burdens that when I look at them rationally are SO LIGHT compared to anything else that anybody else suffers. Why can I not handle this?
So then this week in Bible study (Beth Moore's Daniel), she talked about selflessly enduring suffering for God's glory. The Lord used that to speak to my heart that I haven't even considered that He might be wanting to use this particular suffering for His glory. I just don't see how He could or would. I mean, if He asked me to move my family overseas and live a cross-cultural life for His glory, that would be hard, but I'd gladly go because I can obviously see how His glory could shine by my faithfully enduring that challenge. However, when He asks me to endure chronic back pain for His glory, that doesn't make sense to me. How can He be glorified by that? It, in fact, prevents me from being able to do things that according to my reason would much better glorify Him. The word He spoke to me on that regard is pretty much that He isn't asking me to apply my reason here - what He wants is my faith.
In my thinking about this, of course the Scriptures that God has brought to my mind are from Job. All that he endured didn't make a lick of sense, but God was glorified in his response.
So I guess I'm posting all this to ask for your prayers - not necessarily that God will bring me physical healing or even understanding about my challenges, but more that I'll find spiritual healing and renewed communion with the Lord. Instead of drowning in self-pity and my own skewed sense of personal injustice, I need greater faith in His sovereignty over my physical state and greater trust in His goodness that all suffering is given for a reason, even if I don't get it.
And I would love to hear any thoughts or comments, especially from any of you that may have walked this road before and can share personal experiences. I want to pass this test of my faith, and I want God to be glorified through it.
There is no way for me to end the challenges myself, but something has to give here. My old idols that God has been working to free me from (vaguely referenced here a few months ago) are beckoning loudly telling me to come to them for comfort. And I've worn a permanent groove in the couch where I lay there for most of the day whenever Elias is napping. I'm a disappointment to myself and to those who care about me and depend on me, and it has to stop.
But I don't know how. I just don't have the ability to pull myself up by my bootstraps - I feel like somebody has just ripped off my bootstraps so there's nothing to even try to pull up on. My only hope is to throw myself at God's mercy and believe that He'll catch me there. But I've realized over the past couple days that I'm MAD at Him. For allowing all this crap into my life one thing after another, for making me so weak and foolish to not be able to bear these burdens that when I look at them rationally are SO LIGHT compared to anything else that anybody else suffers. Why can I not handle this?
So then this week in Bible study (Beth Moore's Daniel), she talked about selflessly enduring suffering for God's glory. The Lord used that to speak to my heart that I haven't even considered that He might be wanting to use this particular suffering for His glory. I just don't see how He could or would. I mean, if He asked me to move my family overseas and live a cross-cultural life for His glory, that would be hard, but I'd gladly go because I can obviously see how His glory could shine by my faithfully enduring that challenge. However, when He asks me to endure chronic back pain for His glory, that doesn't make sense to me. How can He be glorified by that? It, in fact, prevents me from being able to do things that according to my reason would much better glorify Him. The word He spoke to me on that regard is pretty much that He isn't asking me to apply my reason here - what He wants is my faith.
In my thinking about this, of course the Scriptures that God has brought to my mind are from Job. All that he endured didn't make a lick of sense, but God was glorified in his response.
So Satan went out from the presence of the LORD and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the top of his head. Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes. His wife said to him, "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!" He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" In all this, Job did not sin in what he said. ~ Job 2:7-10That definitely doesn't make any sense, but it's the kind of response that God is pleased with and so I need to take a lesson from it.
"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him." ~ Job 13:15
So I guess I'm posting all this to ask for your prayers - not necessarily that God will bring me physical healing or even understanding about my challenges, but more that I'll find spiritual healing and renewed communion with the Lord. Instead of drowning in self-pity and my own skewed sense of personal injustice, I need greater faith in His sovereignty over my physical state and greater trust in His goodness that all suffering is given for a reason, even if I don't get it.
And I would love to hear any thoughts or comments, especially from any of you that may have walked this road before and can share personal experiences. I want to pass this test of my faith, and I want God to be glorified through it.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Your Redemption Draweth Nigh
I read this in Matthew Henry's commentary of the book of Exodus this morning, and it really spoke to me. It's referring to to chapters 7-12 when Moses goes to Pharaoh requesting that he let God's people go. Each time he refuses, God sends another plague. After each consecutive plague, Pharaoh gives in a little more until finally after the last plague, he gives in completely. Here's what Henry had to say about it:
The resistance of Pharaoh was obstinate, but the power of God was irresistible. The heart of Pharaoh was hardened, yet at every application of Moses and Aaron, he was compelled to abate something of his stern and haughty demands, till he gave the isrealites unconditional freedom. In like manner, every struggle against our spiritual adversary, made in the might of Jesus Christ; every attempt to overcome him by the blood of the Lamb; and every desire to attain an increasing nearness to that Lamb, in likeness and in love, will be rewarded by increasing liberty wrung from our enemy. Lift up your heads, therefore, ye who are in this mode seeking your liberty, for your redemption draweth nigh. The chains of your captivity will soon fall off for ever. Satan, indeed, will still pursue and harass you, when you have left the ways and works of sin, until your body shall rest in the grace, and your soul in the bosom of Jesus; but hold fast by God, and your adversary shall not prevail against you. When the enemy cometh in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard against him; and beneath that standard you shall be finally and for ever victorious.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
He Can Move the Mountains
Right now in my life, I'm going through some personal challenges that are of such great magnitude that they will take a long time, probably my whole lifetime, to completely overcome. As glad as I am to be aware of them and working on them, and as much hope as I have that with God's help they will eventually be overcome, I still sometimes get discouraged at how far I have to go and how slow progress is. Sometimes the discouragement is so crippling that I want to just lay down and give up, not knowing if I really have the perseverance to make it through.
God used a song we sang at church on Sunday, though, to really speak to me on this subject. It's a song I know well, but this week God used it to speak to me in a fresh way. (I love it when He does that!) The chorus goes like this:
First of all, God is so powerful, He can move mountains! If moving a mountain is nothing to Him, then my challenges are so small and insignificant - of COURSE His power is strong enough to overcome them too! By my own power, I will get discouraged and ultimately defeated. But His power is enough for ANYTHING I could encounter - much more than anything I currently face.
Secondly, if God is so powerful, that means He COULD take care of my challenges in an instant with one blink of His all-seeing eye. But the fact that He doesn't means that He has a purpose in allowing me to go through it. We all know the analogy of the butterfly struggling to emerge from the cocoon - I won't go into that here, but I do think it's very applicable. I want to take it even further, though. Thinking about His purposes in my suffering and the fact that He's powerful enough that He COULD take care of them in an instant if He wanted to caused me to also think about the fact that He wants us to live on this earth at all. I mean, if He wanted to, He could just rapture each believer straight to His side the moment we're saved. But He doesn't do that. He wants us to live on this earth to face struggles and for our faith to be refined as we are conformed more into His image and prepared for the glorious day when we will see Him face to face. If anything, maybe my struggles and challenges are designed to make me less attached to this earth and more longing for that day when I go to my true eternal home.
And third, applying these thoughts to my salvation itself, my God is mighty to save. He achieved the work of my salvation once and for all in the work of the cross. And yet instead of rapturing me instantly to His side upon my acceptance of that, He chose for me to remain upon this earth for Him to pursue the lifelong work of sanctification in me. Now THAT is a daunting task if ever I saw one. Working to make ME holy and conformed to His image? Sheesh, I'll take my light and momentary afflictions over the task He has to complete in me. Yet He never gives up, never tires, never turns His back. He just patiently and persistently works, teaches, touches, refines, and molds my soul into the one that He will ultimately bring to His side.
What's so amazing is that He already knows that His work WILL be completed in me, He promises so in His Word.
God used a song we sang at church on Sunday, though, to really speak to me on this subject. It's a song I know well, but this week God used it to speak to me in a fresh way. (I love it when He does that!) The chorus goes like this:
Savior, He can move the mountains.He used this to speak three things to me.
My God is mighty to save,
He is mighty to save!
Forever Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave!
Jesus conquered the grave!
First of all, God is so powerful, He can move mountains! If moving a mountain is nothing to Him, then my challenges are so small and insignificant - of COURSE His power is strong enough to overcome them too! By my own power, I will get discouraged and ultimately defeated. But His power is enough for ANYTHING I could encounter - much more than anything I currently face.
Secondly, if God is so powerful, that means He COULD take care of my challenges in an instant with one blink of His all-seeing eye. But the fact that He doesn't means that He has a purpose in allowing me to go through it. We all know the analogy of the butterfly struggling to emerge from the cocoon - I won't go into that here, but I do think it's very applicable. I want to take it even further, though. Thinking about His purposes in my suffering and the fact that He's powerful enough that He COULD take care of them in an instant if He wanted to caused me to also think about the fact that He wants us to live on this earth at all. I mean, if He wanted to, He could just rapture each believer straight to His side the moment we're saved. But He doesn't do that. He wants us to live on this earth to face struggles and for our faith to be refined as we are conformed more into His image and prepared for the glorious day when we will see Him face to face. If anything, maybe my struggles and challenges are designed to make me less attached to this earth and more longing for that day when I go to my true eternal home.
And third, applying these thoughts to my salvation itself, my God is mighty to save. He achieved the work of my salvation once and for all in the work of the cross. And yet instead of rapturing me instantly to His side upon my acceptance of that, He chose for me to remain upon this earth for Him to pursue the lifelong work of sanctification in me. Now THAT is a daunting task if ever I saw one. Working to make ME holy and conformed to His image? Sheesh, I'll take my light and momentary afflictions over the task He has to complete in me. Yet He never gives up, never tires, never turns His back. He just patiently and persistently works, teaches, touches, refines, and molds my soul into the one that He will ultimately bring to His side.
What's so amazing is that He already knows that His work WILL be completed in me, He promises so in His Word.
Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 1:6Thank You, Lord.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Compassion
God is continuing to do some major work in my life right now (first mentioned here), and I still don't have a whole lot to share about it at the moment. One thing, though, that's a big deal right now is that God is opening my eyes to how self-absorbed I am. This not only causes me to make bad choices because I'm so wrapped up in my own perspective that I miss God's, but it also causes me to miss opportunities that God may have for me to bless/help/care for others because I rarely see past the nose on my face. I'd appreciate your prayers as God is humbling me and opening my eyes to His world, which has got to be a million bajillion times better than mine.
In the vein of opening eyes to see others, there is a group of people going to Calcutta, India right at this very moment for that very purpose. They're a part of the Compassion Bloggers, and you can read more about it here. But they're all going to be closely blogging about their trip in order to spread awareness of how the lives of the children they will be encountering really are. You can click on the picture below to go to the page where all their blog posts will be, and I encourage you to check it often now until they return on May 2 - I know that I can't even imagine all that will be revealed through their experiences. Check it out!
In the vein of opening eyes to see others, there is a group of people going to Calcutta, India right at this very moment for that very purpose. They're a part of the Compassion Bloggers, and you can read more about it here. But they're all going to be closely blogging about their trip in order to spread awareness of how the lives of the children they will be encountering really are. You can click on the picture below to go to the page where all their blog posts will be, and I encourage you to check it often now until they return on May 2 - I know that I can't even imagine all that will be revealed through their experiences. Check it out!
Monday, March 09, 2009
Where I Am
I talked to my poor mom on the phone today, and she told me about how she checks my blog for new posts every day. She wasn't trying to make me feel guilty for not posting in almost a week, but I certainly do feel a bit bad for leaving my dearies hanging! So it's time I posted a little update to let you all know where I am these days. The problem, though, and the reason I haven't posted anything yet, is that I don't exactly know. Through some circumstances the past couple months or so, along with a few Bible studies I'm doing, God is working on yanking me out of some wrong ways of thinking that I've held on to for a LOOOOOOOOOONG time. This is, of course, a good thing - or at least it will end up being a good thing. But right now it is painful and uncomfortable. I don't like change - I like predictability. Plus, it's incredibly depressing to see how wrong and harmful my thought patterns have been for so long. And I feel helpless because I've been this way so long that I just can't change - God HAS to do the work in me. His work would be a lot easier and faster if I were less reluctant and would just let Him in. So I'd appreciate your prayers for me as I try to be willing to let Him bring His good work to completion in me, and I attempt to seek Him instead of making Him chase me down. Sorry to be so vague, but I really don't even know how to articulate what God is doing or how I'm feeling about it. I do intend to share more fully once I have something to say... In the meantime, please just pray for me!
And since this post would be incomplete without a picture of my baby boy, here's one I captured today of him showing off all FIVE of his teeth - two on top, three on bottom! Click to enlarge, but only do it if you can handle a very close-up view of half-chewed Cheerios!
(Note the aforementioned gap between the front teeth!)
And since this post would be incomplete without a picture of my baby boy, here's one I captured today of him showing off all FIVE of his teeth - two on top, three on bottom! Click to enlarge, but only do it if you can handle a very close-up view of half-chewed Cheerios!
(Note the aforementioned gap between the front teeth!)
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The Power of Praying
I just wanted to pop on here really quick and post a book recommendation for any mommies, new or old, who may read my blog: The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian.
Well, I guess it's for all parents, but I'm a mommy, so I think of it as being for mommies. Either way, though, I HIGHLY recommend this! Justin found this for me at a yard sale several months ago, and I've been using it as part of my daily quiet time ever since. It has 30 chapters, each of which focus on a specific area of prayer for your child, so it is designed to be used as a daily prayer guide that takes a month to complete. The prayers are so valuable to me, though, that once I finish it, I just start right back at chapter 1 the next day. Each chapter has a 4-5 page discussion where the author talks about her experiences with her children in that area and how prayer made a difference, then she has a sample prayer, followed by about 5 Scripture verses "Weapons of Warfare" relating to the topic.
There are several things I like about this. Most importantly, it helps me to remember that Elias is in God's hands, and everything that happens to him is ordained by God. In fact, that's what Chapter 2 is about - "Releasing My Child Into God's Hands." It reaffirms my trust in God, recognizing that if there's anything I want to happen (or NOT happen) in Elias' life, it's God that has the power to make it happen (or NOT happen). There are some chapters that are more applicable than other right now, and as he grows, they will change. I may start just focusing on whatever chapter is most pertinent at the time, and the author says in the foreword that she really just intends this to be a starting place as parents learn how to specifically pray for their own children as individuals.
But the other thing that I like so much about this is that it helps me to vocalize the deepest longings that I have for Elias. The first time I went through this book, I cried just about every day as I was praying the prayers, because I so deeply wanted those things for my son. I love that it was written by a mother who wrote this out of her own experiences as she prayed her way through the childhoods of her children, who were teenagers at the time she wrote it. Some of the most meaningful chapters to me right now are: Chapter 2 "Releasing My Child Into God's Hands," Chapter 3 "Securing Protection from Harm," Chapter 4 "Feeling Loved and Accepted," Chapter 5 "Establishing an Eternal Future," Chapter 9 "Developing a Hunger for the Things of God," and Chapter 10 "Being the Person God Created."
On a side note, I also recommend The Power of a Praying Wife by the same author. (She has a whole series of books along this same vein.) When we lived in Waco, our lifegroup studied these books - the women did the Wife book and the men did the Husband book - and this book has also been so valuable to me as a wife and to our marriage. I also do a chapter from this book each morning, and I can definitely see God working in our marriage and home.
I love being able to start each day lifting up to the Father my deepest longings for my husband and child. They are in His hands, and my prayers may enable Him to work in their lives in a deeper way. May it be so!
Well, I guess it's for all parents, but I'm a mommy, so I think of it as being for mommies. Either way, though, I HIGHLY recommend this! Justin found this for me at a yard sale several months ago, and I've been using it as part of my daily quiet time ever since. It has 30 chapters, each of which focus on a specific area of prayer for your child, so it is designed to be used as a daily prayer guide that takes a month to complete. The prayers are so valuable to me, though, that once I finish it, I just start right back at chapter 1 the next day. Each chapter has a 4-5 page discussion where the author talks about her experiences with her children in that area and how prayer made a difference, then she has a sample prayer, followed by about 5 Scripture verses "Weapons of Warfare" relating to the topic.There are several things I like about this. Most importantly, it helps me to remember that Elias is in God's hands, and everything that happens to him is ordained by God. In fact, that's what Chapter 2 is about - "Releasing My Child Into God's Hands." It reaffirms my trust in God, recognizing that if there's anything I want to happen (or NOT happen) in Elias' life, it's God that has the power to make it happen (or NOT happen). There are some chapters that are more applicable than other right now, and as he grows, they will change. I may start just focusing on whatever chapter is most pertinent at the time, and the author says in the foreword that she really just intends this to be a starting place as parents learn how to specifically pray for their own children as individuals.
But the other thing that I like so much about this is that it helps me to vocalize the deepest longings that I have for Elias. The first time I went through this book, I cried just about every day as I was praying the prayers, because I so deeply wanted those things for my son. I love that it was written by a mother who wrote this out of her own experiences as she prayed her way through the childhoods of her children, who were teenagers at the time she wrote it. Some of the most meaningful chapters to me right now are: Chapter 2 "Releasing My Child Into God's Hands," Chapter 3 "Securing Protection from Harm," Chapter 4 "Feeling Loved and Accepted," Chapter 5 "Establishing an Eternal Future," Chapter 9 "Developing a Hunger for the Things of God," and Chapter 10 "Being the Person God Created."
On a side note, I also recommend The Power of a Praying Wife by the same author. (She has a whole series of books along this same vein.) When we lived in Waco, our lifegroup studied these books - the women did the Wife book and the men did the Husband book - and this book has also been so valuable to me as a wife and to our marriage. I also do a chapter from this book each morning, and I can definitely see God working in our marriage and home.I love being able to start each day lifting up to the Father my deepest longings for my husband and child. They are in His hands, and my prayers may enable Him to work in their lives in a deeper way. May it be so!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Advent Conspiracy
Since we've been married, Justin and I have been trying to figure out how to make Christmas meaningful for us - what family traditions to keep, what new family traditions to start, and what we really want the season to be about for us. This seems even more important now that we have a child to raise and teach what Christmas is about. We've struggled with this, and there's still a long road ahead of us in figuring out exactly what we want to do and how. But today he posted a video on his blog that captures PERFECTLY the spirit of what we want Christmas to be about, and so I wanted to post it here too. (Check out his blog for info about how some of the statistics they use are misconstrued. Please don't let that distract you from the purpose behind it.)
Sunday, June 08, 2008
More Going On Than We Think...
I said in my last post that Nana was "on duty" the past 2 nights. This is because Justin was out of town. And these were two of the worst days we've had with Elias. He was just a terror and my emotional reactions to him were out of control. When Justin got back yesterday afternoon, he shared a thought which made me pause. He's reading a book about spiritual authority and spiritual attack (which I'm sure he'll review on his blog when he finishes it). He said that he thought the hard time we had with Elias while he was gone wasn't just a fluke, but it was actually spiritual warfare. Justin, the spiritual head and authority in our home, was away and so that left us more vulnerable to attack. And looking at it, I can totally see how that could be true. Especially considering that as soon as Justin got home and we prayed over him together, Eli started eating and sleeping again. Last night was a dream - he went straight down after every feeding and slept until the next one like he had been doing before Justin left. This is kind of scary to think about the attack we were under with Justin away, but it is also empowering to recognize the enemy and be prepared to fight him next time we're in this situation. It is easy to get caught up in the physical aspects of caring for a baby - feeding, sleeping, diapering, etc. But we can't neglect the spiritual aspect of life as well. The enemy wants to destroy our family and home, and he'll take advantage of any way he can get his foot in the door. I want to be covered in prayer and ready for him when he comes! This is a battle we have already won.
Here's a picture of us from today - Elias is 18 days old!
Here's a picture of us from today - Elias is 18 days old!
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