Believing Truth

I am so thankful for my friends and family! You guys are so precious to me, and I really appreciate your love, support, and prayers for me in the battle that I shared about in my previous post. It means so much to me to have people who understand and will support me in prayer.

This has been a long road, and I believe it will still be a long road before I reach the end of this particular struggle. This particular season, though, the battle has just intensified, and I find myself making one step forward, two steps back, a half a step forward, three steps back... I'm really trying to at least keep FACING the right direction, though, even if I am moving backward sometimes. A huge part of keeping myself facing the right direction is knowing what is truth and believing it. That sounds simple, but I really think it's the crux of my struggle, at least the emotional and mental facets of it.

So in my prayers and meditation over WHY I'm facing this battle and WHY it affects me so badly emotionally and mentally, God gave me two precious truths that are key to keeping it all in proper perspective and therefore keeping my mind and emotions in check. These two things are Truth, and I believing them will allow me to face trials and accept them in faith. Here they are:

1. Everything God allows into my life is coming from His great love for me.

2. Trials that God allows me to go through are for the purpose of refining me to reach my full potential in Him.

These two things are HUGE, and it is so precious to me that God gave me truth in response to the exact things that I'm struggling over in my mental battles. Because when I'm struggling, my mind tends to say things like this: "I'm supposed to believe that God loves me. But God can't really love me or else I wouldn't be dealing with stuff. He would intervene if He really loved me. He would answer my prayers for relief. He would keep me from stumbling. He would protect me from attacks. He would keep me from believing lies..." etc, etc, etc until it makes me want to curl up and die.

But now when I start going down this road again, I can refer to the Truths above. God does in fact love me, which means that He wants what is best for me, not necessarily what is easiest. To help me understand it better, I thought about the way I love Elias. I love him so much that I want him to grow into a responsible and mature adult, so I discipline him now. That's not easy and not pleasant, and he would be a lot happier right now if I would just let him do whatever he wants. But that wouldn't be love and it would lead not only to misery later, but it would prevent him from being a useful and valuable member of society in the future too.

And that leads right into the second point, which is that God has a purpose and point to the suffering I go through. In this particular case, He has shown me a LOT of doubt and rebellion that lies in my heart, which I never would've known was there if my life had always been all hunky-dory. So he uses pain and suffering to reveal that so it can be dealt with and cleansed, thus enabling me to be happier in Him and also a better representative on earth of Christ and His character.

Sometimes, though, I don't always get to see the purpose behind what He's doing, and that's where faith comes in. It's hard in the middle of suffering to understand and believe that God is allowing this out of love. And so I just have to believe it. So that's where I am right now. Just choosing to believe God and praying that He'll bring me out of this valley into a place of rest soon.

My Shield & Refuge

I think I've posted a bit about this on here in the past two years, but not much. I don't like complaining about things that aren't going to change, and I prefer keeping this blog a light place to share mostly about Elias. However, I want to share about where I am right now. If there are any of you that even still check this blog, you know that I have majorly slacked off on posting here, and that is partly because of the personal stuff I'm dealing with. I have had major trouble in the physical/hormonal adjustment since Elias was born. I won't go into details in this public forum, but it has affected me deeply both physically, mentally, and spiritually. I have called it depression and hormonal imbalance, I've thought I was just crazy, and I've believed it is a spiritual attack. In truth it is probably all three of those things, along with other factors that I don't realize. I keep believing/hoping/praying that it will just resolve on its own. I've been to the doctor a couple times, but those visits just end in frustration because she can't really explain or help either. I mean, of course a woman's body and mind go through difficult transitions upon becoming a mother! And since no two women respond the same way, it's not easy to diagnose a problem or find a surefire solution. So I wait. And wait. And wait. Not very patiently at times.

The past two weeks have been very, very difficult ones for me on this front. I've been the lowest that maybe I've ever been. One thing that has been different about this particular valley is that the spiritual attacks have been fierce and blatant. I have found myself doubting my faith and the truth of Scripture. I have wondered if maybe I should be institutionalized because I am completely losing my mind. I have been deliberately disobedient to God out of anger because I felt like He is not coming through for me in this area. And I just don't understand why I'm struggling in this area, why I am praying for relief but it instead just seems to get worse.

But today I came to a crossroads of faith. I either need to believe in God's love and faithfulness that are promised in Scripture, or I need to "curse God and die. (Job 2:9)" I can't keep living on both sides of the fence. So I got on my knees before God and just cried "HELP!" I flipped open my Bible to a random page and saw this:

Proverbs 30:5
Every word of God proves true; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him.

So that's a pretty clear answer to which of the two above choices is the right one. God's Word not only is true, but it PROVES true. It has been tested and proven. I need to take refuge in Him and He will be my shield.

Then I flipped to another random page and just stared in disbelief at what God took me to:

Jeremiah 29:11-13
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

These are incredibly meaningful for my current situation anyway, but most of you may not know that these are the verses I have always claimed as my "life verses." So it was no coincidence that He opened my Bible to these verses right when I was doubting the truth of His love and faithfulness in my life. He knows, He sees, He hears, He answers. I still don't understand what I'm dealing with or why, but He is here, He is available to me in my time of need, and He has good plans of hope for me.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Sorry, Grandma!

I'm thrilled to announce that after MONTHS of saying it to him, Elias has finally said a version of Grandpa! He says "Pa." Cute! He has said (Aunt) Jessica for a long time now, and in the video below, you'll hear him say (Uncle) Matt and Azlan ("Ash-ee"). He also did say Patriot ("Chut") the other day, although he doesn't in the video. Now, unfortunately, Grandma is the last one on my side of the family whose name he doesn't yet say. Sorry, Grandma! We're going to keep working on it and maybe he'll say something for you by the time you come visit at the end of the month!

We're still struggling a bit with Justin's side of the family - maybe their names are harder. He's got Nana and Granddad down, and we think he says something like "Josh," but we haven't gotten anything close to Aunt Nicole or Uncle David yet... We'll keep working on those ones too!

You'll also note that he's looking MUCH better... You can still see the red spot on the back of his neck, but that's all that's left of the hives. We have one more dose of the steroids and then we'll be good to go!

Lookin' Rough

Here's my buddy boy this morning (Click to enlarge.):The pics aren't great, but you can see how his eyes are red and puffy, and you can see the red welts on his neck. (And you can also see that he needs a haircut! Yikes!) His ears are looking much better today, and the hives on his trunk are mostly gone - just red but not swollen anymore. So we're making progress! Please continue to pray for a good recovery and wisdom in caring for him!

Breaking Out in Hives

I think most of you probably saw this on Facebook, but I thought I'd post a quick update on here in case anybody didn't! We learned today that Elias is allergic to amoxicillin! It kinda took us off guard since this isn't the first time he'd had that antibiotic, but the doc told us that it's not unusual for children to react the SECOND time they have a drug instead of the first. Gee, great.

This was Elias' 10th day on the amoxicillin for his ear infection - he only had 3 more doses before he was finished with it. This morning while we were out grocery shopping, I noticed that Elias' ears were really red. I thought that was odd, but I figured maybe his hat had been on too long or something. Then later when we got home, I saw that his hands were red and they felt warm. Once again, odd, but I didn't know if that meant anything. He was acting fine, so I didn't worry. (Note for any of you who are shouting that this is obviously an allergic reaction - I've never had an allergic reaction to anything... No food or drug allergies... I've never even had poison ivy! So this is all new territory for me.) The only unusual thing about our day was that he woke up very early from his nap, but he wasn't fussy or acting like he didn't feel well.

Later when Justin got home, I asked him if he thought that Elias' red ears meant anything. So then we got to talking about his red hands, and Justin suggested it might be a reaction to the medicine. (Justin is allergic to penicillin himself, so he knows all about this.) Then when we pulled up Elias' sleeves for dinner, we saw that the redness had spread all up his arms, and there were obvious hives on his arms. This child was having an allergic reaction. Justin wasn't near as freaked out as I was, since he's survived this scenario before, but we decided to take him to the local walk-in clinic to be looked at just in case.

So we loaded up after dinner and had the doctor look at him. By the time she saw him, the hives had spread all over his body, he looked so pathetic! (It never occurred to me to take a pic. If he still has the hives tomorrow, I'll capture it for posterity.) So she prescribed prednisone for him just to help his body recover quickly, and she said benadryl will help with the swelling and maybe counteract the way the steriod might keep him awake. So my poor buddy. Welcome to the world of moms with kids who have allergies! I think it wasn't near as scary as an allergic reaction could've been, for which I am THANKFUL!

All Clear

I took Elias back to the doctor today so she could check his ears and make sure the infection was completely gone. Praise the Lord, it is! It took him much longer than I expected to fully recover from this, but in the past couple of days, he's back to his old self. My precious boy. I have more pics and videos to upload that I'm hoping to get to over the weekend, so stay tuned!

I never did post an official 16-month update, which he turned on Monday. But I thought since I'm posting a plethora of pics and videos, you all are getting a good idea of what the past month has looked like for us. I fall more and more in love with this child every day!

Chillin'

One day last week when Elias was sick with his ear infection, he apparently decided he was too tired to keep playing with Daddy. So he just took his Jimmie car and went over and rested against a couch cushion. Sweet little guy.

Daddy's Boy

Elias absolutely loves his daddy. I keep meaning to have the video camera ready to record how he reacts when Daddy comes home from work because it is priceless. As soon as he heard the doorknob rattle, he gets so excited, and he shrieks with joy as soon as he sees Daddy come through the door! Seriously, priceless.

So sometimes we put his Baby Einstein video in while I'm cooking dinner to keep him occupied and out of the kitchen. On this particular day, he was starting to get sick with his ear infection and he was feeling a bit needy. So he wasn't content to sit and watch unless Daddy would hold him. The picture was too sweet to miss capturing:How sweet is this? My two boys. :)

First Ear Infection

We went to the doctor today, and Elias has his first ear infection... and it's a double! My poor baby. His fever first started on Wednesday, but that's exactly when we were expecting a fever to start in reaction to his MMR shot he got last week. So I just assumed that's what it was. But yesterday his fever was still pretty high and he had ZERO appetite - barely ate anything all day. That's kinda scary for my big ol' boy who is a big ol' eater. Then last night he was up every few hours, so none of us had a restful night. He wasn't fussy, just not sleeping. Finally in the wee hours this morning, we decided to actually take his temperature to see how high it was because he felt REALLY hot. (We generally don't take his temperature because it's so difficult to do rectally, he won't take the pacifier thermometer, and the ear one just isn't accurate.) It was 104.2. Whoa. That's high. So I called the doctor's office when it opened and they told me to bring him in - that was too high a fever to just be the MMR shot. And lo and behold, my poor baby has his first ear infection. I'm actually very thankful to have made it almost 16 months without having had one, and I'm thankful to now have antibiotics that should make him feel better quickly.

Croup!

It's been a long week for us. Justin went back to school this week, which already makes it rough. I didn't realize how spoiled we got having him home all summer! It was a dream for all of us, and now we're all struggling in falling back into the routine of the semester with him gone all day.

Plus, Elias is teething. I think he's cutting his bottom two molars. He's been fussy, runny nose, chewing on everything, and slobbering everywhere about 5 days now. So hopefully those suckers will come in soon!

But on top of all that, a call to the doctor's office today confirmed that he has croup! (Justin thought that's what it was, but I thought croup would be worse than what he is - I guess he has a mild case? I certainly hope it's not going to get worse before it gets better!) He started coughing on Wednesday night - SCARY coughing that made me seriously consider sleeping on his bedroom floor just so I could make sure he kept breathing. Thankfully, the humidifier gave him relief, and we were all able to get sleep. Last night was rough too, though, even with the humidifier. So we're all struggling and sleep-deprived around here. Thank God for the weekend tomorrow!

Back Update

I just got back from the doctor, and I wanted to post a quick update. I'm encouraged although there isn't really much news. She said that with someone as young as me, they don't jump right into assuming it's a disc problem. She said muscle injuries can take up to 8 weeks to resolve, especially in an area that gets used all the time like the back. And she said my symptoms could be completely in line with a minor injury, because even though I didn't have one moment where it started to hurt, the main cause of my current pain could just be because of inflammation and muscle spasms around the site. So, she prescribed me some muscle relaxers and stronger painkillers to take at night when I go to bed, and I should be waking up feeling better. She said I was already doing the right thing by taking the ibuprofen at night BEFORE I have pain and inflammation - head it off before it starts. So we'll give it another month and then if it's not better at all, I can go back for x-rays or imaging. But I'm encouraged at her comments, and I'm expecting that this will help me a lot. So good news! Thank you for your continued prayers!!!!

Is All Suffering for the Lord?

It's been a rough season for me. I've been suffering various physical challenges for the past 6 weeks that are really wearing on me emotionally and spiritually. I am weary and worn, feel like I'm stuck in the spin cycle and every time it looks like it might be ending, somebody turns the machine back on for another round. I've realized about myself something that has been true for a long time, but I've never been able to put into words before: Whenever I'm facing long bouts of adversity, my tendency is to just shut down, stop doing anything. It's a challenge for me to get out of bed every day and fulfill my very basic responsibilities, much less do anything that isn't absolutely necessary. So then I start feeling useless and guilty, just adding to the ridiculous emotional roller coaster.

There is no way for me to end the challenges myself, but something has to give here. My old idols that God has been working to free me from (vaguely referenced here a few months ago) are beckoning loudly telling me to come to them for comfort. And I've worn a permanent groove in the couch where I lay there for most of the day whenever Elias is napping. I'm a disappointment to myself and to those who care about me and depend on me, and it has to stop.

But I don't know how. I just don't have the ability to pull myself up by my bootstraps - I feel like somebody has just ripped off my bootstraps so there's nothing to even try to pull up on. My only hope is to throw myself at God's mercy and believe that He'll catch me there. But I've realized over the past couple days that I'm MAD at Him. For allowing all this crap into my life one thing after another, for making me so weak and foolish to not be able to bear these burdens that when I look at them rationally are SO LIGHT compared to anything else that anybody else suffers. Why can I not handle this?

So then this week in Bible study (Beth Moore's Daniel), she talked about selflessly enduring suffering for God's glory. The Lord used that to speak to my heart that I haven't even considered that He might be wanting to use this particular suffering for His glory. I just don't see how He could or would. I mean, if He asked me to move my family overseas and live a cross-cultural life for His glory, that would be hard, but I'd gladly go because I can obviously see how His glory could shine by my faithfully enduring that challenge. However, when He asks me to endure chronic back pain for His glory, that doesn't make sense to me. How can He be glorified by that? It, in fact, prevents me from being able to do things that according to my reason would much better glorify Him. The word He spoke to me on that regard is pretty much that He isn't asking me to apply my reason here - what He wants is my faith.

In my thinking about this, of course the Scriptures that God has brought to my mind are from Job. All that he endured didn't make a lick of sense, but God was glorified in his response.

So Satan went out from the presence of the LORD and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the top of his head. Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes. His wife said to him, "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!" He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" In all this, Job did not sin in what he said. ~ Job 2:7-10

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him." ~ Job 13:15

That definitely doesn't make any sense, but it's the kind of response that God is pleased with and so I need to take a lesson from it.

So I guess I'm posting all this to ask for your prayers - not necessarily that God will bring me physical healing or even understanding about my challenges, but more that I'll find spiritual healing and renewed communion with the Lord. Instead of drowning in self-pity and my own skewed sense of personal injustice, I need greater faith in His sovereignty over my physical state and greater trust in His goodness that all suffering is given for a reason, even if I don't get it.

And I would love to hear any thoughts or comments, especially from any of you that may have walked this road before and can share personal experiences. I want to pass this test of my faith, and I want God to be glorified through it.

The Culprit: Eggs??

We had another vomiting episode with Elias yesterday, and so now it seems like I can see a similarity between the two. They happened at the same time of day (about 3pm), and both times it was after he had eaten eggs for lunch. The first time, he had a hard-boiled egg yolk mixed in with his vegetables. The second time, it was an egg yolk scrambled with some cheese. Both times, we saw those eggs again. Yesterday was the first time I gave him eggs after the first incident, because I wondered if maybe they had something to do with his being sick the first time. So I guess they did!

What confuses me about this is that he has eaten eggs before without having a problem. I don't keep exact records of what he eats any more, but I know he's had an egg yolk at least 5 or 6 times before this, and he's eaten them in both the ways I mentioned above. So why would he be having problems now that he didn't have the first several times he ate them? Does anybody have any thoughts on this? I do plan to call the doctor to ask about it, but I thought I'd also put it out here and see if anybody has anything to add.

On Spring Break!

Just thought I'd check in real fast while I have a few minutes. We're on Spring Break at Justin's parents' house in Kentucky, and we're doing pretty well! We're having a lot of fun visiting Nana and GrandDad, and Aunt Nicole and Cousin Joshua came up from Tennessee to visit us too! So we're playing and enjoying seeing each other.

We did have a pretty unpleasant day yesterday, though. Elias did great for most of the 7-hour drive here, but he got sick when we had just about an hour left. He had fussed a bit before going to sleep, then he finally did fall asleep, but he only slept for about 10 minutes before he woke up, screamed, and then lost his entire lunch all over himself. I've never seen such a thing in all my days. (I'm thankful that my allergies mean I have pretty much no sense of smell these days - I'm sure that wasn't pretty.) So we stopped at the next gas station, got him changed and the carseat cleaned as much as we could. Then about 15 minutes later, we discovered that he had NOT lost his entire lunch before, because he still had some more to lose. At that point, we decided to just forge ahead and get there as fast as we could. When we got there, we said "Hi, Nana! Can you run us a bath?!" So we just put him straight in the tub and got him cleaned up. He acted like he felt fine, but then he didn't keep his dinner down either. Soooo, I was pretty scared at that point, and I'm thankful to have been there with family who knew what to do! He took a good nap, though, after dinner, and then he drank his whole bedtime bottle and kept it down. He slept soundly all night and has had a good appetite and not been sick at all anymore today. So hopefully whatever the deal was yesterday is over now and it won't happen again! Please pray for him to be restored to full health, and especially for just the two of us who will be traveling 5 hours together in the car on Tuesday (as long as he stays healthy!).

But besides the illness yesterday, we're doing fine, the weather is beautiful, and we're enjoying Nana and GrandDad's GOOD home cooking! :)

Mommies Don't Get Sick Days

The past couple weeks have been ROUGH for me. First of all, I had a reaction to some new medication that put me into a pretty bad depression the first week I took it. Thanks to a divine accident, I discovered that taking the med at a different time of day helped with that side effect, and so I got over that quickly. However, I only enjoyed a few days of health before the new spring-y warm weather taught me something about Missouri - it's NO FUN for those who have allergies! I had never had seasonal allergies before, just a mild case our first year in Texas. So this really knocked me for a loop. I went to the doctor today and she confirmed that it is just seasonal allergies, so I need to keep taking Claritin/Alavert and she also prescribed me a steroid nasal spray, which she said will completely take care of my symptoms. So hopefully I'll start feeling better soon. But because of these two things, I've been out of commission for the last 2.5 weeks.

Unfortunately, mommies don't get sick days. I can't just call in sick and spend the day in bed. My husband and my baby need me to fulfill my responsibilities no matter how I feel, and that is HARD! Some days I would just get up, take care of the baby, and then go back to bed when he went down for a nap. It was almost like when he was a newborn again! (Now that I think about it, I think I actually felt as bad as I did when he was a newborn! Whoa, that was rough.) I learned that there is a big difference between "can't" and "don't want to," and sometimes you have to build a bridge between them! I also learned that it's ok to prioritize and just do the minimum of what HAS to be done now. (This is why you haven't seen me blogging much lately. NOT at the top of the priority list!) But we're surviving and everybody's going to be fine.

Although mommies don't get sick days, they DO get vacations, and we're leaving for our Spring Break vacation tomorrow! We're taking a week in Western KY with Justin's family, and E and I are taking a side trip to spend 2 days with my family in Ohio. So I am REALLY looking forward to that, not only to see our family, but also to enjoy a break from our routine and tight schedule... And Elias will have a LOT of people to love on him and take care of him, and maybe Mommy will get an extra nap or two! ;)