Parenting a Fallen Soul

As Elias grows, I always say that he gets more fun to parent because he's learning how to express himself and communicate better, his level of understanding is always increasing, and his personality blossoms as he begins to discover his likes and dislikes.  However, something I've really been grappling with this week is that as his personality strengths blossom, we also begin to see his weaknesses and flaws.  Now, before any doting grandparents protest, I have a wonderful, brilliant, beautiful child who I'm very proud of.  BUT he is still a human, and he DOES have flaws.  Some of them are inborn in his personality, and others were made by the environment he has grown up in.  Most are a combination of both.

What has had me really worrying about them right now, though, is next week he starts "school," a Mother's Day Out program at a local church that he'll go to for 3 hours two days a week.  Being an only child who has always been at home with Mommy, he doesn't have much exposure to other kids, or even adults for that matter, and he desperately needs the social instruction that a school environment will give him.  However, I'm concerned about how he'll do, and I'm just afraid it's going to be a difficult adjustment for his teachers and classmates to teach him the appropriate ways to behave in the classroom setting.  Elias isn't a difficult or disruptive child, but he just wants to do his own thing - play by himself his own way.  So we'll just have to see how long it takes for him to get that he's supposed to listen to the teachers, do what they say, and treat his classmates with respect.  I can tell him all day long that he needs to do those things, but it won't mean anything to him until he's put in the situation to actually put those principles into practice.

So worrying about how he's going to do in the classroom has brought to my attention a lot of his selfish and disobedient tendencies that Justin and I have learned how to cope with at home, but his teachers may not be ready for.  I've been fretting about what we could've or should've done differently to raise him better or teach him better, to work harder to get him used to playing with other kids, to teach him about respecting other people.  But the fact remains that he is who he is now, and nothing I do in the next week is going to change how his first day at school goes.  So fretting is clearly not the answer here.  But I believe there is also a deeper issue here, and that's what I'm really trying to grapple with now.

The truth is that my son is a human soul, born sinful and fallen just like the rest of mankind.  Without the redeeming power of Christ and the regenerating power of the Holy Spirit, he WILL be selfish, disobedient, and sinful.  Justin & I can (and will) teach him about the proper way to behave as a functional member of society, but even more important than manipulating his behavior is discipling his heart, teaching him about sin and his need for a Savior, and introducing him to the marvelous hope of God's grace.  Before he was born, we read the book Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp (read my first review here), and I'm working on reading it again - although it was instructive the first time I read it, I can actually put it into practice now.

I recognize that only God can save, can actually change Elias' sinful nature and instead give him the mind of Christ, can actually cause Elias to WANT to be good, kind, respectful, and generous.  On the other hand, it is Justin's and my responsibility as his parents to teach him what is right, to train him in the way he should go, to teach him the truth of the Gospel, and to model for him the Christian life.

Honestly, I'm pretty overwhelmed at the thought.  I often still struggle with my own selfishness, so how on earth am I going to teach Elias that he shouldn't be selfish?  Truly, I don't have much of an answer to that besides lots of prayer and relying on God's grace.  The gravity of the responsibility of being a mother has just become heavily real to me this week, and I'm just sharing about it here.  Motherhood is becoming much less about teaching him basic survival and instead teaching him eternal truths.  That's a big deal, and I just want to do it well.

2010 in Review: RECEIVE

I have had a completely life-changing year in 2010, and so I wanted to write out my thoughts about how much God has done in me this year.  In thinking about all of it, I believe that the best word to summarize my year is RECEIVE.  This year, God has taught me how to RECEIVE His truth in a way I never have before.  I grew up in church and I know the Bible well, so I've never had a problem with doctrine or knowing WHAT truth is.  My issue is really RECEIVING it in a personal way, and God has completely smashed that barrier this year - all praise be to Him!  So below are the main areas in which I have been taught to RECEIVE this year.

LOVE
The biggest and most life-changing thing for me this year is that I learned how to RECEIVE love.  I've "known" God loves me since I was little.  God so loved the world (John 3:16) and all that.  But I really came to know and believe and understand it in such a personal way this year.  If you had asked me about God's love, I could've told you all the right answers before, but I learned this year that I wasn't actually applying it to myself.  I didn't realize this before, but I was carrying around the false perception that my mistakes, failures, sins, and imperfections somehow kept me from being truly loved.  I saw God's love as more just tolerance - He put up with me and let me be saved, but He didn't really like me all that much, and He was constantly frustrated and irritated by my screw-ups.  I thought that when God looked at me, He would sigh and shake His head: "What potential she has, and she's constantly messing up!"  I felt like God let me be on His team, but He would never actually put me in the game - I wasn't good enough for that.

But I was wrong about that, oh so wrong!  And God in His precious tenderness decided that this was the year for me to RECEIVE the truth of how He really feels about me.  In January of this year, I began a Bible study called "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" with a precious group of women.  God used that study and those women to completely rock my world and my understanding of who He is and who I am in Him.  Do you want to know the truth?  Here it is: God loves me.  Oh, but not in the way I thought before!!!  God loved me deeply even before He made me, and He crafted me with such tenderness and purpose to be exactly the woman I am.  He knew my weaknesses.  He knew my sins and my failures.  And He loved me deeply, not just in spite of them, but WITH them.  God's love for me isn't dependent on my performance or my faith or my service or my obedience or anything regarding me at all.  He loves me because He made me; He chose me; I am His.

Someone who has never labored under the burden of such failure, shame, and guilt before may not understand the pure freedom and joy that comes when it is lifted!  But oh, let me tell you!  I feel almost like I can fly!  There is such solid ground beneath my feet because I don't have to earn or prove anything anymore.  I can rest secure in the fact that God has declared me to be beautiful, precious, and valuable even while knowing intimately my flaws and failures.  He sees me, He knows me, He loves me, He forgives me, He protects me, He pursues me, He holds me, He calls me His own, He calls me His beautiful bride.  I have no idea how He does it, but He feels this deeply and intimately for every single one of His children, and if you'll just let Him, He wants so deeply to show you how much it's true for you too!  I am so thankful for a God who loves me so much He will NEVER let me go.  I am safe with Him.

RELATIONSHIPS
The newfound safety I have in Him allows me to RECEIVE more freedom in my other relationships too.  I'm no longer dependent on the approval and acceptance of others to define my value.  Would you like to know what defines me?  See the previous paragraph.  There is absolutely nothing in that paragraph that is dependent on another human being, and so no human being can change my identity.  That depends on God alone, who is eternal and unchanging.  So this gives me the ability to love without needing to be loved in return, and that would make relationships a whole lot easier.  I have definitely not arrived in this area, because old habits, fears, and reactions die hard.  But I definitely know where I'm headed, and I want to honor God by allowing His love to flow through me to others, regardless of how I feel about them or how they feel about me.

FOOD
Another HUGE deal this year has been the beginning of my journey to understand my relationship with food and how to make sure it has its proper place in my life.  Many of you know that I have struggled with weight and overeating my entire adult life, and it has been a real source of shame and struggle for me.  A friend introduced me to an online Bible study course called The Lord's Table, which is for people with unhealthy relationships to food, and it teaches us to understand exactly why we relate to food the way we do.  For me, food was my fallback.  I ate when I was hungry, I ate when I was sad, I ate when I was bored, I ate when I was frustrated, I ate when I was lonely, I ate when I was tired...  Anyone sensing a theme here?  The basic premise is, though, that I would eat for comfort because I didn't want to feel hunger, sadness, boredom, frustration, loneliness, fatigue, or any kind of pain or discomfort at all.  So I would self-medicate with food.  Unfortunately, food doesn't satisfy, and it doesn't actually bring any healing or help for all the problems I was trying to cover up with it.

But what the Lord has shown me this year is that if I will open myself up to Him and RECEIVE His truth, love, and comfort into my life, I won't have to turn to food to just try to bury my pain.  Instead, I need to take it to Him to actually have it dealt with. 

So I will never diet again.  I haven't been on a scale in about 6 months.  Weight, calories, sugar, size...  None of that is the issue here, and concentrating on it just distracts me from the real issue, which is my relationship with the Lord.  As I learn to love Him more than anything, my eating will begin to line up with that, and all the rest will fall into a place that honors Him.

This is another long road, and I am nowhere near finished with this journey.  In fact, I suspect this is going to be a lifelong struggle for me.  However, what freedom there is for me to be able to recognize that it's ok!  I struggle with overeating and with turning to food when I should be turning to the Lord.  But He doesn't condemn me for that.  He looks on me with patience and compassion, and He wants to help me find victory.  In Him, I have hope and confidence that I WILL find victory.  I'm ok with that.

HELP
This year I have finally come out of a very low season that has been several years long.  It was mostly centered around the previous misconception I stated before about how I viewed myself and how I viewed God.  I was living under such a mountain of failures, sins, and unmet expectations that I felt like I was suffocating.  After Elias was born, I had the culture shock of becoming a stay-at-home mom, and I really just spiraled into a depression.  Nothing was like I expected it to me, least of all ME - I wasn't the mother I wanted to be, the wife I wanted to be, the friend I wanted to be, the Christian I wanted to be...  I felt like I was failing at everything I tried.  Honestly, I couldn't picture living a whole life with the failures just piling up around me, and I wasn't sure I wanted to.  But as you can read above, God completely set me free from that, and I am so thankful.  But there were two essential keys to finding that freedom, and they both involved RECEIVING help.  I went to my doctor who prescribed me an antidepressant - there was a difference the very first day I took it, and I'm still on it now.  And I started seeing a godly counselor, who really helped me work through a lot of junk.  I only see her occasionally now, but that's because God has done such a healing work in me that I don't need regular meetings anymore.  But in both of those cases, I had to be willing to swallow my pride and RECEIVE the help that I needed from others.

So this year has been such a blessed one of healing, freedom, and RECEIVING truth and help from the Lord!  I have absolutely no resolutions for next year besides to just keep my hands open to the Lord and RECEIVE whatever He has for me!  I can't wait to see what He has in store!

For Jessica

My sister wrote me an email yesterday about how I should appreciate the time I have with my little guy while he is little. Her boys have recently started going to all day school, and she went back to work, so I know she has to be missing all that special time she had with her little boys when they were little and she was staying home with them. I have recently been thinking along the same lines - I know this time in Elias' life will be fleeting, and I never know when our circumstances might change. So I've been trying to be intentional about actually engaging to sit down and play with him during the day, and I've recently resolved to have him watch less TV during the day and play with him more. So Jessica's email just added to that resolve. And in her email, she also suggested to have a little extra patience with my little one today, and do something special with him.

So in honor of Jessica, we did something fun. A mommy blog that I read suggested today to try pudding painting with little guys, since they often will eat finger paint. We didn't have any pudding on hand, so we tried it with applesauce!The applesauce ended up not being a very good medium for painting, but we did draw some shapes in it. (I thought later that we should've tried it with yogurt. Ah well, next time.) And we had fun, which was the point! So thank you, Aunt Jessica!

And also for Jessica, I'm trying valiantly to be patient with my child who is refusing to nap AGAIN, which he does most of the time these days.

And also for Jessica, I'm trying valiantly to be patient with my child who hasn't used the potty again since the one time I posted about it weeks ago.

Man! Elias doesn't even KNOW how what a debt he owes Aunt Jessica today!!!

Note - I'm not really stressed out about the potty. It's just another thing I'm being patient about, and I wanted to update you all on the fact that it looks like we are NOT potty training after all. Currently I'm in the school of thought that says "He'll do it when he's ready." Ask me again in a year. But I am pretty stressed out about the nap strike. :(

Slow Down, You Move Too Fast

Over the summer, I decided to do an experiment. I don't remember exactly why, but I decided I was going to drive at or below the speed limit. This may be unexceptional to many of you, but my practice before this was to always drive 3 or 4 mph over the speed limit (or more on the highway) - I considered that to be "safe" from getting pulled over. However, I think my conscience just started to bother me. I mean, whenever I'd see a policeman clocking, I'd have to slam on my brakes to try to slow down to the speed limit. And I always knew that if I got pulled over, I deserved the ticket because I was, in fact, breaking the law. So that's probably why I started the experiment. Now I don't worry at all whenever I see a cop - I just continue on my merry way! I was surprised at how easy it was to stay within the speed limit. Once I got used to it, now I actually find myself tending to go below the speed limit if I'm not paying attention rather than above it. The drivers behind me aren't always so happy at this, but I'm good with that. (Note: This isn't intended to be any kind of judgment or statement about the driving habits of my readers. You do whatever works for you. I'm just sharing what works for me. Please keep reading!)

The reason I'm good with that is because of the unexpected side effect this has had in my life... I find that I am generally a lot more relaxed than I was before. I don't have to worry about rushing around and trying to get everywhere at the fastest possible rate of speed. I plan to leave early enough to get wherever I'm going on time, but if that doesn't happen, I prefer to go the speed limit and just be a few minutes late. Nothing in my schedule is going to be a disaster if I'm not there at the stroke of the clock. And I'm really just enjoying time in the car more, I enjoy listening to the radio more, I'm just chilling out and enjoying the ride. Kind of the "taking time to stop and smell the roses" concept.

But I think this also speaks to the concept of enjoying the journey instead of focusing solely on the destination, and this is a theme in my life and spiritual life too these days. I want to slow down and enjoy the Terrible Two's instead of focusing only on the day Elias turns three (or goes to school or starts to drive or becomes a responsible adult...). And this is definitely a concept God has been working on in my spiritual life, too. I get so frustrated and discouraged whenever I have any kind of stumble or setback. I tell myself "You should know better by now!" But what God is telling me about this, first of all, is that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:1). So any voices that are condemning me for failure are NOT from Him. But secondly, He never intended for our spiritual lives to be only about the destination, but to be a journey from birth to death. None of us will achieve perfection in this life, but we are all on a journey toward holiness that will end at Heaven. Have I moved forward in my spiritual walk? Am I more like Christ than I was 5 years ago? If so, then I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, regardless of whether or not I still struggle and sin. We all do, and that's ok.

I've been feeling, though, like there's an even further spiritual application here, and I've been struggling to put my finger on it until I read this morning's (October 19) devotion in My Utmost for His Highest. I've selected the parts that were most meaningful to me to post here. Read the entire devotion here.

In our Lord's life, there was none of the pressure and the rushing of tremendous activity that we regard so highly today, and a disciple is to be like His Master. The central point of the kingdom of Jesus Christ is a personal relationship with Him, not public usefulness to others...
You have no idea of where or how God is going to engineer your future circumstances, and no knowledge of what stress or strain is going to be placed on you... And if you waste your time in over-activity, instead of being immersed in the great fundamental truths of God's redemption, then you will snap when the stress and strain do come. But if this time of soaking before God is being spent in getting rooted and grounded in Him, which may appear to be impractical, then you will remain true to Him whatever happens.

This also reminds me of the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42). Jesus came to visit at Mary and Martha's house. While Martha bustled around trying to get everything just right to serve Jesus, Mary just sat at His feet. Martha got upset and asked Jesus to tell Mary to get up and help her, but Jesus said Mary made the better choice of how to spend her time. That's an old story in my world, but always one that gives me a reality check. Would Jesus tell me that I'm anxious and worked up over too many things, and I need to think about whether my priorities line up with His?

This is an exceptionally good lesson for me as a stay-at-home mom. As I'm getting perspective on it, I've come to realize that a lot of my depression that began after Elias was born was rooted in how dramatically my sphere changed. I went from being a world traveler, employed full-time, and free to come and go as I pleased, to being stuck at home most of the time making a paycheck of $0, with a total of two people in my daily sphere of influence. Culture shock! And I just felt unimportant, useless. I was unable to serve in the many ways I did before becoming a mom, and that left me questioning where my value came from. As I explore that question, God's answer is clear: my value comes because I am His. Period. And instead of seeing my time staying home with Elias as limiting me, I need to see it for what it is. It is a gift straight from God, a season where all that is required of me spiritually is to sit at Jesus' feet. Sure, I do a lot - I am in no way trying to minimize the contribution of a stay-at-home mom to the life and well-being of her family! I get that. But when it comes to ministry, serving at church, etc., that just doesn't fit into my lifestyle much right now. And what God is telling me is that's ok. The thing that is most important is to sit at His feet, to be rooted and grounded in Him, to relax and enjoy the journey that will ultimately take me into His presence.

Bewildered

Many of you have probably seen me posting a bit about it on Facebook, but Elias' terrible twos are in full swing, and I am just fairly bewildered. He is just Mr. Meltdown now. All. The. Time. And the bewildering part is that I rarely know exactly why he's crying. We're playing together, and suddenly he's crying. What the heck? I know a lot of it has to do with the frustration of not being able to communicate. He just can't tell me what he didn't like about the way I was playing, and so he just cries to express himself. And the rest of it is that he just doesn't understand everything. He doesn't understand why it can't always be his way. And so he cries or whines. Oh, the whining! Sooooo, we're trying to figure out exactly how to deal with this. I mean, I know this is just part of growing up. And I have a very passionate and intelligent child that I want to encourage as he blossoms. Yet he still has to learn how to handle himself properly and be a productive member of society, not to mention of our family!

So our general approach is to tell him to use words to tell us what he wants. He's getting very VERY good at asking for something and saying "please." Today I was washing dishes and asked him if he wanted to call Grandma after I was done. He ran to the phone and said "Grandma, please!" How sweet is that?? Of course, he screamed through our entire phone conversation, and I have no idea why, but that's not the point. Often, though, what he wants is something that he can't express in words or something unreasonable, like he wants to break all the crayons. Well, I understand what you want, but I'm just telling you no. Hence, meltdown.

Then, our course of action is to tell him that it's ok to be sad/disappointed/frustrated, but it's not ok to scream and cry about it. Then we put him in his room until he calms down. The point we're trying to get across is that if you want to be with other people, you need to behave civilly. If you want to scream, you're going to have to do it by yourself. It's only been a couple days we've been trying this approach, and the jury's still out on how well that's going to work. But this isn't something I expect will be solved overnight, but hopefully at some point he'll learn self control!

Soooo, I'm just putting this out there so that you all know where we are, and because I know a lot of the mamas who read my blog can relate! Feel free to comment, but only encouraging or sympathetic comments please!

And to balance it all and keep me from going insane, my pumpkin muffin also is doing some really precious stuff, and I have several videos I need to get uploaded and posted. So stay tuned for that this week!

In the meantime, here's a reminder of what his meltdown face looks like. This is the only picture I have of it right now. (It's from his birthday party when he couldn't get the frosting off of Thomas.)Yep, that's looking REEEEEEALLY familiar these days... :)

My Shield & Refuge

I think I've posted a bit about this on here in the past two years, but not much. I don't like complaining about things that aren't going to change, and I prefer keeping this blog a light place to share mostly about Elias. However, I want to share about where I am right now. If there are any of you that even still check this blog, you know that I have majorly slacked off on posting here, and that is partly because of the personal stuff I'm dealing with. I have had major trouble in the physical/hormonal adjustment since Elias was born. I won't go into details in this public forum, but it has affected me deeply both physically, mentally, and spiritually. I have called it depression and hormonal imbalance, I've thought I was just crazy, and I've believed it is a spiritual attack. In truth it is probably all three of those things, along with other factors that I don't realize. I keep believing/hoping/praying that it will just resolve on its own. I've been to the doctor a couple times, but those visits just end in frustration because she can't really explain or help either. I mean, of course a woman's body and mind go through difficult transitions upon becoming a mother! And since no two women respond the same way, it's not easy to diagnose a problem or find a surefire solution. So I wait. And wait. And wait. Not very patiently at times.

The past two weeks have been very, very difficult ones for me on this front. I've been the lowest that maybe I've ever been. One thing that has been different about this particular valley is that the spiritual attacks have been fierce and blatant. I have found myself doubting my faith and the truth of Scripture. I have wondered if maybe I should be institutionalized because I am completely losing my mind. I have been deliberately disobedient to God out of anger because I felt like He is not coming through for me in this area. And I just don't understand why I'm struggling in this area, why I am praying for relief but it instead just seems to get worse.

But today I came to a crossroads of faith. I either need to believe in God's love and faithfulness that are promised in Scripture, or I need to "curse God and die. (Job 2:9)" I can't keep living on both sides of the fence. So I got on my knees before God and just cried "HELP!" I flipped open my Bible to a random page and saw this:

Proverbs 30:5
Every word of God proves true; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him.

So that's a pretty clear answer to which of the two above choices is the right one. God's Word not only is true, but it PROVES true. It has been tested and proven. I need to take refuge in Him and He will be my shield.

Then I flipped to another random page and just stared in disbelief at what God took me to:

Jeremiah 29:11-13
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

These are incredibly meaningful for my current situation anyway, but most of you may not know that these are the verses I have always claimed as my "life verses." So it was no coincidence that He opened my Bible to these verses right when I was doubting the truth of His love and faithfulness in my life. He knows, He sees, He hears, He answers. I still don't understand what I'm dealing with or why, but He is here, He is available to me in my time of need, and He has good plans of hope for me.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

The Meaning of Motherhood

I'm reading a book right now called The Power of a Positive Mom by Karol Ladd. The first chapter talks a lot about the significance of motherhood and the importance of the role we play, especially in the lives of our young children. To help enforce the point, she copied this poem, author unknown:

I took a piece of plastic clay
And idly fashioned it one day;
And as my fingers pressed it still,
It moved and yielded at my will.

I came again when days were past,
The form I gave it still did last
And as my fingers pressed it still,
I could change that form no more at will.

I took a piece of living clay,
And gently formed it day by day,
And molded with my power and art,
A young child's soft and yielding heart.

I came again when days were gone;
It was a man I looked upon.
He still that early impress bore,
And I could change it never more.

Off the Face of the Earth?

Ok, so if there are any of you lovely blog readers still out there, you may have wondered if I have fallen off the face of the earth! No, we're all still here and doing just fine. I just haven't made it on here to blog in a while!

You remember how I wrote here that motherhood was no longer stressful or exhausting now that Elias is no longer a newborn? (Did any of you mothers of older children snicker at that?) Uh, yeah. I think Elias must have read that and taken it as a personal challenge to step up his game! Terrible two's have ARRIVED! And really, I don't have anything to complain about. Even as a terrible two-er, Elias is awesome and loving and well-behaved and friendly... most of the time. (And have I mentioned lately how handsome and brilliant he is??) But he's also learning about independence and MAJORLY pushing boundaries. We have entered the world of deliberate disobedience and throwing tantrums. They are not very often, but they come without warning and completely throw off this mommy who likes her predictability.

So that's where we are these days. I still think I have the single most precious child on the face of the earth, but he's just a growing child who's learning how to be his own person, and that's hard for all of us. But I DO intend to get back to blogging VERY soon!!!

Looking Back, Looking Ahead

I'm generally not one to make New Year's resolutions. If something about me needs to change, I should work on changing it now instead of once a year. However, I do think that the New Year gives a feeling of new beginnings, which is a great time for looking back, evaluating, and setting goals. I'm all for evaluating and setting goals! So here are my thoughts about what I'd like to work on in 2010.

1. Prayer Life - I am so blessed to have a husband who takes care of Elias in the mornings to allow me to have a quiet time. This year I was also blessed to be able to join a Bible study for stay-at-home moms, and we went through Breaking Free, which completely rocked my world. But having these small victories in my walk with the Lord has caused me to want more. I KNOW there is more to be had with Him, and I believe that prayer is the way to access His power in my life and in the lives of those I pray for. I want a greater hunger for Him and a closer walk with Him, and I think prayer is the way to get both of those things. Plus, with my realm being so limited because of staying home with Elias, I don't have much opportunity to get out and serve and minister and be Christ's hands to people. So I believe that prayer is how I can influence the whole world - I can be Christ's heart for people. I think it was Oswald Chambers who said, "Prayer does not fit us for the greater work; prayer is the greater work." May that be so in me. If anybody has any good suggestions for Bible studies on prayer, please feel free to let me know.

2. Giving - Having said that about prayer being the greater work, Justin and I are both feeling like we want to be better stewards of our financial resources, using them better for Christ. Our theme verse for this is James 1:27, which says "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." I want to be more aware of the helpless and hurting both here and around the world, and I want to be doing something about it in the name of Christ. Since I am the one who handles the budget in our house, I want to rearrange it so that we are able to give more to those in need both here and around the world. Justin also wrote a bit about it on his blog here.

3. Personal Appearance - I want to take more pride in my appearance and work harder at looking better. I'm not necessarily talking about losing weight here. I mean, I do need to lose weight and I will be working on that in the new year. But this is something I'm already in the process of doing, and nothing about that really needs to change - I just need to keep up the hard work! What I'm talking about here is that my child is 19-months-old, so I really don't have an excuse anymore to go around looking like the mommy of a newborn! I'm not saying I'm going to start wearing makeup or anything - let's not get crazy here. But I'm thinking maybe I could, you know, like, fix my hair or occasionally wear something besides a t-shirt. This goal also includes things like taking care of my skin and you know, actually looking in the mirror and brushing my hair before I go to the grocery store.

4. Using My Time Well - As I stated in #3, I am no longer the mommy of a newborn. I do actually have quite a bit of free time and motherhood is no longer stressful and exhausting. So I don't really have an excuse anymore (like the mommies of newborns do!) to spend all my free time on leisure - things like reading and playing games. I don't really have a specific goal for how to do this, so suggestions would be welcome, but I think my time would be better spent reading the occasional nonfiction book in addition to the fiction I so greedily consume. Or I could knit blankets and hats for the local pregnancy crisis center. Or I could write letters to missionaries. Or I could pray for them. These would all be time well spent. So this one is going to require a bit more thought and planning on my part, but getting it out here might help me keep my eye on the prize.

This list is by no means comprehensive, it's just what's on my mind tonight. My biggest goal for 2010 is just that God will have His way in and through me. I think that will involve these four things, but it may not. Either way, may He receive all glory in and through me! Amen.

Be Careful Little Feet

God is working on teaching me something right now, and my thoughts aren't fully formed about it yet, but I want to get it out there all the same. Most of the time writing about something helps me organize my thoughts about it, so you all are lucky enough to be able to be the recipients of my ramblings on the matter.

I'm currently participating in Beth Moore's Breaking Free Bible study with a group of young moms in my area. This is a powerful, powerful study, and I recommend it to anybody whether you feel like you have areas of bondage in your life or not. This week's focus has been on looking back in our families to see what kinds of bondage may have been passed down to us from generations and generations of our families. One of the main Scriptures she uses this week is Exodus 20:5-6.

You shall not bow down to them [idols] or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand [generations] of those who love me and keep my commandments.

This verse doesn't mean that we have to pay for our ancestors' sins - Christ did that on the cross. Instead, this means that we often have to bear the natural consequences of generational sins, and we are often more susceptible to repeat the mistakes we saw in those who came before us. Don't get so caught up in verse 5, though, that you miss verse 6. The descendants of the wicked often reap painful consequences, but the descendants of the faithful are guaranteed to reap blessing for a thousand generations! So not only do I want to look back at my ancestors to see if I may have inherited any bondage that I wasn't aware of, but the thing that really took hold of me about this concept this week is to be aware of the legacy I'm leaving for my children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, etc. Do I want to be the means by which suffering is inflicted on 3 or 4 future generations, or do I instead want to be the means by which blessing is passed on to thousands?

God has given this all a very personal application for me, though, in thinking about my own struggles and areas of bondage, and thinking about the effect it will have on Elias and any other children/grands/greats/etc. I have been struggling a lot with shortcomings, difficulties, and failures for the past couple of years, and I often get discouraged. I struggle with making the right choices every day and with maintaining hope that God can and will deliver me from this bondage. I am often tempted to think that the little choices I make every day don't really matter, won't make a difference in the grand scheme of things. Or probably a better way to put it is just that I get tired of fighting day in and day out to make the best choices, when I don't feel like I'm making any progress or don't feel like there's any reward for doing what's right.

But there's a Casting Crowns song called "Slow Fade," which has always been meaningful to me, but this week has taken an even deeper meaning in the context of breaking my own bondage in order to not pass it down to Elias. You can watch the video here and read the lyrics here. This week it has seemed to come on the radio every time I get in the car, so if you see me driving down the street bawling, that's probably why. The chorus goes like this:

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away.
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray.
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away.
People never crumble in a day.
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade.

So the meaning that this takes for me is just that every choice I make is either one step closer to freedom or one step deeper in bondage. There are very few neutral choices. So when I'm tempted to just stop fighting "just this once," I need to remember that just this one compromise is the first step down a path I don't want to walk down myself, and that I definitely don't want to lead my son down. The first verse of the song says this:

Be careful little feet where you go,
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow.

Oh, I want to lead those little feet behind me down the path of God's Truth to freedom and nowhere else. So I will fight. And keep fighting. Because I do not want to see my children struggling in my same prisons. I want to be the means by which they are able to live in great blessing, freedom, and power from the Lord.

Keeps Getting Bigger!

We had Elias' 15-month checkup today, and he just keeps getting bigger! Here are today's stats:

Weight: 31 lbs, 2 oz (99%)
Length: 33.5" (95%)
Head: 19.25" (90%)

Such a big boy! Not sure how accurate any of the measurements actually are because he's going through a huge stranger anxiety phase right now and he panics any time anybody besides me or Justin touches him. So you can guess that it wasn't easy getting him weighed and measured. I do know he's a big 'un, though, so these measurements seem close enough to me!

So this quite possibly may have been our hardest visit yet, at least for me. He's just SUCH a busy boy, all over the place. He wants to be up, exploring everything, touching everything, climbing on everything. I've always seen "those moms," you know, the harassed and harried ones that just can't seem to get a break because their kid is completely out of control, and I've looked on them with pity. And I was a little sad to realize that today in the waiting room, I was that mom. The other kids waiting were all either much older or much younger than Elias, and therefore not at the all-over-the-place stage.

Combine that with four vaccinations AND his terror at being touched, looked at, or even talked to by the nurses and doctor, and it was a hard visit. I'm praying his stranger anxiety passes because this is really rough. The doctor was very comforting, though, that it's perfectly normal, there's nothing we have done to cause it, and there's nothing we can do to help it besides just wait for him to grow out of it. Sheesh. Hopefully we won't have to go to the doctor again for a while, and by then he'll be grown out of it!

Crib Update (a.k.a. Much Calmer Now)

I talked to the manager at WalMart, who told me they would be happy to take our crib back and give us a refund. However, that's not as easy as it sounds. Our crib came in a Nursery-in-a-Box set, which means that in order to take back the crib, we'd also have to take back the changing table and dresser. So not only does that mean losing Elias' whole room, but there's NOTHING out there we could get for the same price (which is why we got this set in the first place). Sooooo, we decided to just keep the crib and try to reinforce it ourselves. We never use the drop side, so we'll rig it somehow so we know it can't fall off. This crib is actually convertible, so it will convert into a toddler bed (by removing the drop side in question), and Elias should be ready for that in 6-9 months. So now that we've had some time to think rationally about this, that makes the most sense. However, I'm very thankful to have gotten the recall notice, so now we can take action to prevent any mishaps that might have happened.

Crib Recalled (a.k.a. Freaking Out!)

I wrote a post several months ago about how I subscribe to the Consumer Product Safety Commission emails letting me know when products have been recalled. If my post then didn't convince you to check them out, then maybe this will. In today's email, I learned that Elias' crib has been recalled! Ack! Apparently the bottom of the drop side can detach and the baby can get trapped in it. Like this:(The pictures are from the CPSC notice.) I am totally freaking out about this. Elias is asleep in it right now! I keep checking on him... As if right now he's any less safe than he was before I knew about the recall. *rolling eyes* But he spends a lot of time in his crib, both asleep and awake, and he grabs that drop side and shakes the heck out of it. I am so thankful nothing has happened to him!

What makes me really mad about this is that this exact product was recalled in 2007 for the exact same reason. So when we were buying it in 2008, I felt safe because it had been redesigned and supposedly was now safe. Ummmm, not?! So I'm making phone calls to try to find out what to do - I'll let you know what happens.

But in the meantime, please PLEASE keep yourself informed of product recalls - especially if you have children in your home. These email updates are an easy way to do it.

My First Mother's Day

I tell you, I'm actually pretty nostalgic on my first Mother's Day. Elias is such a blessing to our lives, and I'm so thankful for him. He's growing so fast, and I look forward to seeing him blossom and grow with each passing year.I wanted a picture of us dressed up for Mother's Day, but I made the mistake of waiting until after church to take the picture. Of course, his diaper had leaked while he was in the nursery, so he was in his backup outfit. I noticed, though, that the backup outfit we happened to have in the diaper bag said "Nuts about Mommy" on the shirt, so it turned out to be appropriate for the day after all.
Justin and Elias made it a very special day for me! They each got me cards, and Elias even signed his own! I appreciated the card from Justin because the transition from a family of two to a family of three has been a hard one on our marriage. So I am very thankful for such a loving and committed husband that weathers life's storms with me - we both know we will emerge stronger and more in love than ever on the other side.

He also got me The Office Trivia Game! The Office is our favorite show - the only show we watch together besides the nightly news. So this was fun to play together, and we anticipate many good times in the future.

I also got a present for myself... At Baby & Me at the library last week, we made these stamps of our babies' hands to preserve the memory of how small they are! So I framed mine and gave it as a gift to myself for Mother's Day!

Justin also made me breakfast this morning, which he does every Sunday, but it was still very special for Mother's Day, and then we're going out to eat for dinner tonight.

I'm so thankful for my precious family who are such gifts from God! Thank you for making not only my day today, but my whole life so special!

More Mommy Advice Needed

I'm hoping that all you great friends who commented last time I asked for Mommy advice might throw in a suggestion this time too! (By the way, thanks for all the suggestions about E's bedtime bottle - we've been keeping pictures in frames on the table in his room, and we look at those every night while he eats his bottle. Not only does it keep him focused, but he's also seeing his family's faces and hearing their names every day! Win-win!)

Now I'm asking for some suggestions about getting Elias to feed himself finger foods. I'm certain that he COULD if he wanted to - he can easily pick things up with his fingers, and he can put his hands in his mouth. He just won't feed himself when there's food in front of him. He'll pick up the food and play with it (and throw it on the floor - any suggestions for nipping that in the bud??), but he won't put it in his mouth. Anybody have any thoughts on things I can try to get him to do it? I looked around a bit online, and I pretty much found that he'll do it whenever he's ready. I've tried leaving him alone with the food in case he didn't do it just because I was there feeding him, but he just sat there and whined because nobody was feeding him. I've hung up the hat on making baby food, so I really want to get him on table foods by the time my stash of baby foods runs out, but it's not looking promising if he won't feed himself!

On the same note, any suggestions for how to start the process of him learning to spoon feed himself? I've still never even let him try it because I just don't want to deal with the mess. I probably just need to get over that, but can anybody give me any suggestions on how to make it easier? A certain food that stays on the spoon and won't stain? Should I just take his shirt off? What else?

Thanks to all my Mommy friends out there! :)

I just realized this would be my second post in a row without a picture of Elias in it, and that just can't be! So here's one I snapped yesterday of him playing with his books. He wants them ALL spread around him on the floor - I try to be sneaky and put some back while he's looking at another, but he notices and immediately pulls them back down!

WFMW: Umbrella Stroller

This week's edition of Works For Me Wednesday may be another no-brainer for most of you, but it sure did make my life easier once I figured it out. The problem is that I have a young child who can't walk yet, but even if he could, I wouldn't want him wandering around stores by himself. However, some places don't have shopping carts that I can put him in, and he's getting too heavy to be able to carry him around. So for the longest time, I just didn't go to the consignment stores and small places like that because carrying him around just made it too unpleasant to actually be able to look around and shop. That's when I had the stroke of brilliance... The umbrella stroller! We have this small, collapsible stroller that we got at a consignment sale for $5 before Elias was born. It's very lightweight and easy to manipulate, and the best part is that it keeps my child safe and contained in stores that don't have carts! I just keep it in my trunk at all times now, so it's available if I ever stop somewhere that I need to be able to put Elias in it.

I also learned another very valuable use for the umbrella stroller when I was traveling alone with the baby last week. Our trip was 5 hours each way, which meant at least one stop for food and restrooms... But what to do with the baby while I'm going to the restroom or trying to place my order at the restaurant? Ahhhhhh, the umbrella stroller again! It's small enough that I could actually wheel him in with me to the handicapped stall in the restroom, so he never had to leave my supervision at all. Once he gets bigger, that may not be necessary, but he's still just a baby and I didn't feel good about leaving him outside the stall alone.

So anyways, using the umbrella stroller has made my life a LOT easier! It Works For Me!

Mommies Don't Get Sick Days

The past couple weeks have been ROUGH for me. First of all, I had a reaction to some new medication that put me into a pretty bad depression the first week I took it. Thanks to a divine accident, I discovered that taking the med at a different time of day helped with that side effect, and so I got over that quickly. However, I only enjoyed a few days of health before the new spring-y warm weather taught me something about Missouri - it's NO FUN for those who have allergies! I had never had seasonal allergies before, just a mild case our first year in Texas. So this really knocked me for a loop. I went to the doctor today and she confirmed that it is just seasonal allergies, so I need to keep taking Claritin/Alavert and she also prescribed me a steroid nasal spray, which she said will completely take care of my symptoms. So hopefully I'll start feeling better soon. But because of these two things, I've been out of commission for the last 2.5 weeks.

Unfortunately, mommies don't get sick days. I can't just call in sick and spend the day in bed. My husband and my baby need me to fulfill my responsibilities no matter how I feel, and that is HARD! Some days I would just get up, take care of the baby, and then go back to bed when he went down for a nap. It was almost like when he was a newborn again! (Now that I think about it, I think I actually felt as bad as I did when he was a newborn! Whoa, that was rough.) I learned that there is a big difference between "can't" and "don't want to," and sometimes you have to build a bridge between them! I also learned that it's ok to prioritize and just do the minimum of what HAS to be done now. (This is why you haven't seen me blogging much lately. NOT at the top of the priority list!) But we're surviving and everybody's going to be fine.

Although mommies don't get sick days, they DO get vacations, and we're leaving for our Spring Break vacation tomorrow! We're taking a week in Western KY with Justin's family, and E and I are taking a side trip to spend 2 days with my family in Ohio. So I am REALLY looking forward to that, not only to see our family, but also to enjoy a break from our routine and tight schedule... And Elias will have a LOT of people to love on him and take care of him, and maybe Mommy will get an extra nap or two! ;)

Mommy Advice Needed!

We've started having some trouble with Elias during his bedtime bottle, and I thought I'd post about it on here and see if anybody had any ideas about what on earth my child is doing and what we should do about it! Here's the deal: For about the past week, Elias has stopped wanting to sit through his bedtime bottle. (He eats 3 meals a day with bottle + solid food, then just an 8 oz. bottle at bedtime, 7:00pm.) He gets REALLY squirmy as if he's trying to roll over, like flailing around and trying to roll out of my lap. This is bizarre behavior for him - he loves to eat and usually sits so nicely to be fed. He still sits nicely for his other bottles, it's just the last one that he's suddenly doing this.

I tried moving up to the fast flow nipples, and that helped some, but certainly didn't stop the writhing. Then we thought maybe he just wasn't hungry enough for the full bottle, but he screams whenever we try to take it away. He has stopped napping in the evenings, so he's usually very tired and ready for bed at this point. But he's also hungry, so I don't understand why it's such a struggle to get him to eat. It's almost like he wants to lay on his belly for the bottle. This very well may be the case, because he spends most of his time on his belly, and he does most of his sleeping on his belly. But I can't let him lay on his belly for his bottle. (Can I?)

Does anybody have any thoughts on why this would suddenly be a problem and what we should do about it? Seriously, it's like a wrestling match trying to get him to drink this bottle, but he screams if we take it away so that makes me think he does actually want to drink it all. What's the deal?! Any thoughts?

Recalled!

I learned yesterday that one of Elias' baby toys has been recalled! It's the cooking pot from his Infantino Lil Chef Set.Apparently the metallic blue material they used for the sides can peel off and become a choking hazard. So Infantino is paying for us to return it, and "a replacement of the same product or one of equal value will be shipped to you in 4-6 weeks." So this is a bit of a bummer because Elias REALLY likes playing with this toy pot, but we figured better safe than sorry.

I learned about this recall through the Consumer Product Safety Commission's email alerts. I subscribe to not only the baby/child products, but all recalls - so I get warnings about gas grills that could explode or car parts that could be dangerous or whatever. The emails are easy to just skim to see if anything applies to us. I've been getting the emails since before Elias was born, but this is the first product that we actually have that's been recalled. Still, it makes me feel a little more secure knowing that I get a daily email letting me know which products have been recalled... Especially with ALL of the crib and toy recalls that are happening these days, it's an easy way to help keep my baby safe. If you want to subscribe to the email alerts (or you can just check on any product you already have), go to cpsc.gov and click on "Sign Up for Email Announcements."

WFMW: Time Management Sheet

For this week's edition of Works For Me Wednesday, I have something very simple that has completely saved my sanity. As many of my readers know, I am a highly organized person who likes predictability and having everything in its place. However, after Elias was born, I had a hard time keeping up with everything. I expected that after the first few difficult months, things would start to resettle, I'd get back into a routine, and it would all be fine. But month after month went by, and I just felt like I couldn't keep up. I could go all day feeling like I was running myself ragged, but then realizing that I didn't actually do any of the things I needed to do that day. It was terrible and I was seriously on the verge of an emotional breakdown. Then, about a month or two ago, when Elias was about 8 months old, a friend gave me something that changed my life.

It's called a Time Management Sheet. It's just a sheet of paper with a column for each day of the week and row for each hour of the day, and you just use it to plan what you're going to do with your time. It's really simple, and I'm shocked I didn't think of something like this on my own, considering my deep love for organization and spreadsheets. (Can I still claim to have New-Mommy Brain?!) So I made my own version in Excel, and I'm going to be really vulnerable here by posting it for you (Click to enlarge.):This is what my weeks look like! I just made the chart and typed in all the things that are the same every week. I print out a new one every Saturday evening, and then I write in all the things that are specific to that week. Then each evening, I plan what I'm going to do with any blank spots that remain for the next day. So when I wake up in the morning, my day is already planned! I just leave my sheet out on the counter where I can always check it to make sure I'm on track for the day.

I use this in conjunction with a monthly wall calendar that helps me remember appointments - I check the calendar Saturday evening when I'm writing things in for that week to see if I have anything that needs to be added. And I also keep a running to-do list so that if I have a blank space that I don't know what to do with, I just check my list and cross something off. This not only helps me remember everything that needs to be done, but it also helps me prioritize to know what has to be done now and what can wait.

This has not only saved my sanity, but it really does help me get things done ON TIME. Since I've started using this sheet, my husband has not once woken up in the morning and not had anything to wear to work that day. My baby has not once run out of clean diapers or out of baby food. I have not missed any meetings or appointments. (And I have not once forgotten to watch LOST!) Seriously, I even sleep better at night because I have the peace of knowing that everything is either done or planned to be done soon.

So although it's simple, it REALLY works for me. If anybody would like me to email them the Excel file with the template for this Time Management Sheet, I'd be happy to. Just leave me a comment here with your email address (or send me an email if you already know my address).