The past two weeks have been very, very difficult ones for me on this front. I've been the lowest that maybe I've ever been. One thing that has been different about this particular valley is that the spiritual attacks have been fierce and blatant. I have found myself doubting my faith and the truth of Scripture. I have wondered if maybe I should be institutionalized because I am completely losing my mind. I have been deliberately disobedient to God out of anger because I felt like He is not coming through for me in this area. And I just don't understand why I'm struggling in this area, why I am praying for relief but it instead just seems to get worse.
But today I came to a crossroads of faith. I either need to believe in God's love and faithfulness that are promised in Scripture, or I need to "curse God and die. (Job 2:9)" I can't keep living on both sides of the fence. So I got on my knees before God and just cried "HELP!" I flipped open my Bible to a random page and saw this:
Proverbs 30:5So that's a pretty clear answer to which of the two above choices is the right one. God's Word not only is true, but it PROVES true. It has been tested and proven. I need to take refuge in Him and He will be my shield.
Every word of God proves true; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him.
Then I flipped to another random page and just stared in disbelief at what God took me to:
Jeremiah 29:11-13These are incredibly meaningful for my current situation anyway, but most of you may not know that these are the verses I have always claimed as my "life verses." So it was no coincidence that He opened my Bible to these verses right when I was doubting the truth of His love and faithfulness in my life. He knows, He sees, He hears, He answers. I still don't understand what I'm dealing with or why, but He is here, He is available to me in my time of need, and He has good plans of hope for me.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.