Monday, May 17, 2010

My Shield & Refuge

I think I've posted a bit about this on here in the past two years, but not much. I don't like complaining about things that aren't going to change, and I prefer keeping this blog a light place to share mostly about Elias. However, I want to share about where I am right now. If there are any of you that even still check this blog, you know that I have majorly slacked off on posting here, and that is partly because of the personal stuff I'm dealing with. I have had major trouble in the physical/hormonal adjustment since Elias was born. I won't go into details in this public forum, but it has affected me deeply both physically, mentally, and spiritually. I have called it depression and hormonal imbalance, I've thought I was just crazy, and I've believed it is a spiritual attack. In truth it is probably all three of those things, along with other factors that I don't realize. I keep believing/hoping/praying that it will just resolve on its own. I've been to the doctor a couple times, but those visits just end in frustration because she can't really explain or help either. I mean, of course a woman's body and mind go through difficult transitions upon becoming a mother! And since no two women respond the same way, it's not easy to diagnose a problem or find a surefire solution. So I wait. And wait. And wait. Not very patiently at times.

The past two weeks have been very, very difficult ones for me on this front. I've been the lowest that maybe I've ever been. One thing that has been different about this particular valley is that the spiritual attacks have been fierce and blatant. I have found myself doubting my faith and the truth of Scripture. I have wondered if maybe I should be institutionalized because I am completely losing my mind. I have been deliberately disobedient to God out of anger because I felt like He is not coming through for me in this area. And I just don't understand why I'm struggling in this area, why I am praying for relief but it instead just seems to get worse.

But today I came to a crossroads of faith. I either need to believe in God's love and faithfulness that are promised in Scripture, or I need to "curse God and die. (Job 2:9)" I can't keep living on both sides of the fence. So I got on my knees before God and just cried "HELP!" I flipped open my Bible to a random page and saw this:
Proverbs 30:5
Every word of God proves true; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him.
So that's a pretty clear answer to which of the two above choices is the right one. God's Word not only is true, but it PROVES true. It has been tested and proven. I need to take refuge in Him and He will be my shield.

Then I flipped to another random page and just stared in disbelief at what God took me to:
Jeremiah 29:11-13
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
These are incredibly meaningful for my current situation anyway, but most of you may not know that these are the verses I have always claimed as my "life verses." So it was no coincidence that He opened my Bible to these verses right when I was doubting the truth of His love and faithfulness in my life. He knows, He sees, He hears, He answers. I still don't understand what I'm dealing with or why, but He is here, He is available to me in my time of need, and He has good plans of hope for me.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.


Jan said...

I knew that you sounded "down" when we talked earlier today, but I'm sorry that I didn't realize what you were dealing with today. Please feel free to call me anytime...I'll try to be a better listener. I love you!

Andrew's Mommy said...

Joni, I read your blog often and love hearing ALL of what is going on with you. I just wish we lived closer so we could visit some. don't give up. I went through some of these same things, esp. after Nathan was born. It was SO HARD but I just try to stay on how faithful our God is! Hugs to you dear friend!!!

Jessica said...

I love you, Sister!