I have a really bad case of the Baby Blues. This is actually a misnomer because I'm not blue - there's nothing sad about the way I feel. What I feel is overwhelmed, angry, and exhausted. I'm overwhelmed by how much I love and care for this child, overwhelmed by the responsibility of caring for him and how time- and energy-intensive that is, overwhelmed by the postpartum and lactation hormones that are ravaging my body and making me a basketcase, overwhelmed by the fears and doubts that pop up - Are we doing this right? Is he going to be ok? I don't really know why I'm angry, but today that is my main emotion. I'm angry that he sleeps through feedings and then won't nap when he's supposed to, angry that this is much much harder than I ever could've imagined it being, angry because this is not what I signed up for and feeling that way then makes me feel guilty. I had been told that the first month to 6 weeks of motherhood were going to be really really hard, but I was in no way prepared for this. I don't think anybody could be. I guess I thought that the joy would kind of make up for the difficulty. It doesn't. There are moments of joy, but they are far outweighed by the other stuff right now. I'm told it will get better. And I know I'm definitely not unique. Every mother in history has gone through this before me, and they all made it fine, so I know I will too. But I'd really appreciate your prayers.
To top it all off, we dropped by the pediatrician's office today to check Elias' weight and make sure he's gaining. He's not. He's still losing weight. This is not good. So the doctor squeezed us into his schedule to check Elias over. He said he's definitely not dehydrated and his diapering pattern is great, so we're not in panic mode yet. He said I need to step up the feedings, though - every 2 hours around the clock. This makes me want to jump off a cliff. Elias is so sleepy during feedings that a lot of the time it takes us over an hour to finish a feeding. If I'm supposed to be feeding him every 2 hours, that means I have like 45 minutes from the end of one feeding to the beginning of the next. The doctor said that Elias eating better should make him sleep better during naptimes and then wake up better for feedings. But trying to get this started just makes me want to cry even more than I already have been, which is a lot. So please, please pray for us. Pray that Elias will fall into a good pattern of eating and sleeping, and that he will start to gain weight immediately. Pray also for Justin and I as we persevere through this difficult time of adjustment. We go back to the doctor Thursday to check on progress.
Sorry to write such a downer post, but I really need you guys praying for us, and I want to be completely honest about what is going on so you can lift us up to the Father with as specific details as possible! Thank you for your prayers and support.