Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Letting Go

I posted this blog a couple weeks ago telling about how I totaled the amount of time I had spent pumping in the month of September, and it was outrageous. I had posted at the end of it that it was worth it, but the more Justin and I thought about it and talked about it, we realized that it wasn't. Women who are able to nurse their babies don't spend near that amount of time in getting their babies' food. And even the majority of women who exclusively pump don't spend that much time. I am a low-volume producer, which means that I'm not able to pump enough for Elias' full demand, so we are supplementing with formula. (In any given day, about 80% of Elias' intake is breastmilk.) I have been pumping excessively in the hopes that my supply would increase and we'd eventually be able to get him off the formula supplements.

I didn't realize, though, how hard it was on me to do that and how much freedom I could have to enjoy my son and enjoy life more if I let go of that. So I have decided to cut back on the pumping. My supply will probably decrease, but at this point we feel like a happy and healthy mommy is more important for Elias than ever being able to get 100% breastmilk. This is a relief in a way, and I'm already enjoying having more sleep and more time to get things done during the day. But it's also a very difficult decision, and emotionally feels just as bad as it did when I had to give up nursing in the first place. It feels like I'm admitting defeat, acknowledging my failure at being able to provide what's best for my son. It also makes me feel guilty that I'm choosing to give Elias less breastmilk and more formula, since I believe that breastmilk is actually better for him. I feel selfish that my time and convenience is more important than his optimal health. Now, I don't need any lectures. I know that formula is a perfectly good option and that many babies grow up to be happy and healthy without ever having had a drop of breastmilk. I myself am a formula baby, and look how awesome I turned out! ;) I'm not saying my feelings are entirely rational - I'm just getting them out there. This is how I feel and I'd appreciate your prayers as I persevere in slowly dropping pumps and we adjust to the new way things will be around here.

When I made that previous post, I was pumping 6 times a day for about 40 minutes each time. I then dropped to 5x a day for 45 minutes for a week, then to 4x for 45-50 minutes for another week. Tomorrow I will be dropping to 3 pumps a day. I am thrilled and relieved to have not lost any supply yet, but I feel like there's no way I can decrease my pumping so much and not lose some milk in the process. So please pray for me as I see the ounces decreasing and the guilt and sorrow increasing. Depending on how well the 3-a-day schedule goes and how much I'm still producing, I may stay there for a while. I still want to be able to give him a good amount of milk, especially for the immune properties as flu season is upon us. I had intended to pump for Elias for a full year so he could be weaned straight to cow's milk, and depending on how it goes, I may still be able to pump twice a day or so and give him a little bit for that full year. I'm not calling it quits entirely. But my health and sanity require me to let go of all that I had been hoping for with regards to providing breastmilk for my son, and just trust God to keep my supply where He wants it to be for however long He wants it to remain.

6 comments:

KarenD said...

The timing on reading this post is good for me... I was just reading articles on babycenter about weaning and "nursing strikes." It seems Ian has been on a 6-week nursing strike of sorts, and I have been torn about what to do. There is a fair amount of guilt in weaning at 8 months! We're down to two nursings a day, so I could go either way at this point... keep the two sessions (which I plan to, if I can) or try and build my supply back up with a pump. But, you're right, it would be a lot of pumping and less time with Ian or doing other things... it IS a dilemma indeed! I will be praying for you. Thanks for your transparency on this blog!

Andrew's Mommy said...

I had some really serious issues with my milk after the gallbladder surgery. We only went to 6 months. It was so hard to change but Andrew has done great. You are being a good Mommy - you are choosing what you can do for all of you that is the best. Hang in there!!!!

Katie said...

Any breast milk is better than none. You've done great to make it this far with your pumping. That takes a huge commitment. I think it's a pain sometimes when I just substitute the random bottle and have to pump; I couldn't imagine doing so multiple times daily. Do what's best for both you AND your baby.

Jessica said...

I know breastfeeding and giving breast milk is such an emotional issue!! You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you continue trying to work through all of this....

Penny Pinching Parent said...

It is so wonderful that you are sharing like this with others it helps more than you will ever know.

If you want to e-mail me (you can find the link on PPP) for breastfeeding questions or support I would love it.

I nursed for 14 months and my little one was a NICU baby, so I did my fair share of pumping and I would love to help you out any way that I can.

I haven't had enough time to poke around your site and see why you are pumping instead of nursing, but I would love to talk to you about nursing instead of pumping, if that's even an option. I know for a lot of mommies it's not, but if so... it can be so freeing to get away from the pump and with the whole supply and demand dynamic your baby will make sure your body keeps up. My daughter could take in 5 mins what it took me 30 plus mins to pump. My life changed once I didn't have to pump so much.

It can be hard, but like the other commentor said, even the smallest amount of milk is beneficial.

If you are in need of a shoulder to lean on, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Jeannie said...

Joni, I read this post last week and have been praying for you hardcore. I know this had to be a difficult decision to come to. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that God gives you peace about this decision and helps you handle the emotions to come. God Bless! Jeannie